Friday, May 26, 2006

An Excerpt

directly qouted from Hawkings Pleas of the Crown, circa. 1771 ( f sometimes = s, tried to keep the charm of the original as much as possible):


C H A P. III.

Of Witchcraft

Sect. I Of offenders of this Nature there are faid to be three Kinds,
1. Conjurors, who by Force of certain Magick Words endeavor to raife the Devil, and compel him to execute their Commands.
2. Witches, who by way of friendly Conferences are faid to bargain with an evil Spirit to do what they defire of him.
3. Sorcerers or Charmers, who by the Ufe of certain fuperftitious Forms of Words, or by Means of Images, or other odd Reprefentations of Perfons or Things, &c. are faid to produce ftrange Effects above the ordinary Courfe of Nature.

Which type are you?

What the Hell am I Doing in the Library?

Part-time research assistant.

Regardless, here's a line from one of the books I am reading (the pages of which are, in fact, older than our country, though it has a binding on it that is slightly less than a hundred years old):

"Concerning the apprehending and arrefting of felons and traitors by private perfons, and efcapes."

The book is approximately two feet long, one foot wide, six inches thick, and weighs 85 pounds.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

I Have an Idea

I just read this article in the Washington Post calling for all women to begin acting like they are pregnant in order to protect the health of the pretend baby they are carrying. The article focuses on new federal guidelines that call for "preconception care," a combination of nutritional and behavoiral practices intended to decrease the U.S.'s abominably high infant mortality rate.

Do you smoke? Well stop it--you could become pregnant and it would be bad for the fetus.
Alcohol? Sorry, same deal.
Not currently taking folic acid supplements? Jesus, haven't you been paying attention?! YOU COULD BECOME PREGNANT!

I don't care that you are a militant lesbian--almost half the births in this country are accidental. That means that you have a 50% chance of becoming pregnant in the next week and a half regardless of your sexual orientation or activities.

Danger to the imaginary infant takes many forms--workplace hazards, socioeconomic pressures, vegetarians, Marxism, and UnAmerican Thoughts and Ideas.

Look, people, this is a war--a war against infant mortality. We have to make sacrifices.
Our country's baby factories aren't producing properly, and dammit, someone has to do something about it.

I applaud the brave members of the federal government for their progressive new idea, and I must admit that I am suprised that the Republican controlled government would so readily push for such an obviously feminist idea. But why stop at nutrition? Why just argue against drinking alcohol? If we really want to minimize risks, we will make it illegal for the fair sex to work outside the home. Scratch that--let's make it illegal for them to leave the home.

The less external stimuli, the safer our non-existent babies are gonna be.
I bet that if you look up the beginings of the rise in infant mortality rates, it will correspond clearly to when women begain working outside the homes, marriages were no longer arranged, and the Supreme Court rejected Jesus Christ as the country's National Personal Saviour by ruling that laws against contraception were unconstitutional in Griswold v. Connecticut.
A little Skit...

Sam:Hola A-Rod. Como se dice "clutch hit" en espanol?
A-Rod:Yo no se.
Sam: Por su puesto.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Stay Tuned...

Subpoena This version 1.01
coming soon...


Actually, I have no idea how the numbering works on versions.

My web browser is v.1.7.12. That's really slightly more impressive than 1.01.

Okay, check it:

Subpoena This v.1.00.01.00.012
coming soon...




Nah, that sucks, too. Screw it.
Check back in like, a week, week and a half tops, for a reenergized blog.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

So dark is the con called Billy Wagner.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Ethics Committee to Investigate the Baby Jesus

Drew Saunders, a Democratic state Rep. in North Carolina opposes a reporting requirement for gifts above $200.
"Even baby Jesus accepted gifts and I don't believe it corrupted him."
Or did it?

Yay! We Won! We Won!

What's schmutz and why is there a "c" in it?

Regardless, consumer transit groups have release the latest results of their regular Subway Schmutz test. And the winner of the dirtiest subway line award?

The E train. Okay, well, that doesn't count. Check out the M, a close second with only 4% of its cars being clean. That's right, 4%. Following the M at a respectable third? The J/Z, at 17%. That's right, my own little JayMizZle is officially the most ghetto line in the city.

Worse than the G? Are you kidding? The G is rated at 49%. Even if you add the J, Z, and M together (and the Z is barely its own train), that's only 38%. If you do the fair thing and average them, it works out to something like 12.667%, and that's just terrible.

The A, C, E? Well, except for the E, they're pretty damn clean, at 53% and 43% respectively. Besides, the J/Z drop 54% in cleanliness this year--54%. Jesus, that's ghetto.

What about the L? Doesn't that go to Bushwick? Well, it might be dirtier when you get off the train, but at 61% clean, at least you won't have a stain on your pants or have developed a staph infection from touching the interior of the car.

I remember two moments of awe that I experienced during my first visit to new york:

1) While circling the city in the plane just after sunrise as we prepared to land: "Wow, it's huge."
2) While waiting for the F train at Houston: "My god, it's so fucking filthy."

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Worst Direct Mail Piece Ever

Monday, May 15, 2006

Monday haiku



Playa Yelapa--
On Tuesday, I will drink rum
from a coconut.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Summer...What's That?

It's been years since I've had a summer vacation. Not that I'm getting one now, but I just thought I'd throw that out there.

We've officially completed our first year of law school--yay for us. Here are a few choice quotes from last night that basically sum it all up (I'll keep them anonymous, but you kids know who you are):

"Dude, I'll erase this picture for $20."

"Law school ruined my life."

"No, you already got a drink ticket."

"This is the most watered down shit I have ever drank."

"Ohmygod, there's a line for the roof."

"Not bad for a white girl."

"You? You're an ESTP. I could be wrong about that..."

"You need to teach BLANK your spin move, he could add it to his repertoire."

"Okay, I'm never dancing for you again. You said I looked retarded."

"Look, I went into the SBA and told them that we should spend all the money on the bar tab. Get this: $600 for the lunch "study" break on Monday. What would law students rather have, $600 worth of bagels or one more drink for every 1L?"

"Dude, there was a study break on Monday?"

"I'm trying to drink myself normal."

"Let's make a bet--whoever loses has to shave their head? Yeah? Okay, okay, if I win, you don't bleach your hair or cut it for like... a year."

"Do you realized that they're are movies based on how hard it is to accomplish what we just accomplished? What we just went through? I'm gonna rent The Paper Chase and watch it, and laugh."

"Congratulations."

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Game

Monday, May 08, 2006

Stupid Columbia

Just thought you might need to see this. As found in the dormitory named for the first Chief Justice of the Supreme Court and co-writer of the Federalist Papers.

Saturday, May 06, 2006

A Better Way to Take a Final Exam

1) Get up at 7:45 a.m.
2) Catch the train at 8.
3) Have a fruit smoothie and a muffin (combined calories = 1186).
4) Feel that sensation in your stomach? It's the process of digestion. Food's a good idea, yeah?
5) Coffee is for sqaures, man.
6) Print out your test file--what's this: three questions and only one page long? 2400 word limit? 8 hours? Awesome.
7) Spend two hours outlining and then two hours typing.
8) Break for lunch--bring some scratch paper and your hefty test question printout.
9) Brainstorm while you enjoy your grilled cheese sandwhich ("You want bacon?" "No, no bacon." "Are you sure? Ham?" "No, thank you, just cheese." "Just cheese?" "Just cheese." "Are you sure." "No, I'm retarded." "Okay, just cheese." "Thank you, God").
10) Wait, what's this, answer two bullshit questions of your choice? Fantastic! I majored in bullshit as an undergrad.
11) Laugh.
12) Spend two more hours outlining and two more hours typing.
13) God, I feel amazing--B+ here I come.
14) Upload your exam file two minutes late ("Don't worry," says Mandy, "you get a ten minute grace period." "Sweet.")
15) Drink yourself drunk (much faster than drinking yourself normal).
16) Go home and actually relax.
17) Blog.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

How to Take a Final Exam

1) Get up at 7:00 a.m.
2) Feel that pain in your stomach? That's a common reaction to excess adrenaline. Having evolved over eons to deal with "fight or flight" situations, the sympathetic nervous system isn't adapted well to grueling 8-hour take-home exams. Just get used to feeling like you are gonna throw up.
3) Drink Coffee and/or take some cold medicine--and make sure the active ingredient is "pseudophedrine."
4) Get to the lounge two minutes to 8 o'clock.
5) Find out that the "Free Coffee and Donutes from 8 to 10" are provided on a first come first serve basis.
6) Accept the fact that there are no more free donuts and very little coffee.
7) Download your exam file, print it out, find yourself a nice spot in the library/your dorm room/bedroom/prison cell, and settle in.
8) Spend the next hour and seventeen minutes "outlining" (read: spacing out).
9) Search the outline you downloaded from the Student Bar Association's website using Ctrl+F.
10) Search Term: "Constitution"
11) Spend two hours and twenty-eight minutes issue spottting, conceptualzing and actually outlining.
12) Get some more coffee/speed.
13) Bathroom break--be careful not to look in the mirror, you haven't properly groomed yourself in weeks.
14) Sit back down and spend thirty-five minutes typing up your answer.
15) Realize that you have just found at least four intentional and five unintentional tort claims in your admin test.
16) Cry.
17) Feel that pain in your lower back? It's mostly from the chair, but don't forget about your kidneys, they probably hurt, too--filtering out all that adrenaline can be taxing (and God knows that all the ephedrine/caffeine has effectively supressed your parasympathetic nervous system from properly reacting and lowering your adrenal levels).
18) Freak the fuck out.
19) Upload your exam six minutes late.
20) Drink yourself normal (careful, this could take years).
21) Go home and watch Apocalypse Now! to help yourself relax.
22) Stay up until 3 a.m., marveling at how effectively your adrenal system can counter the effects of voluminous amounts of vodka, beer, and generic Nyquil.
23) Philosophically and subconsciously dissect the charade of human existence, while playing "Tetris" on your laptop until 4:23 a.m.
24) Try to sleep.
25) Get up at 5:13 a.m. and do push-ups for forty-seven minutes straight.
26) Pass out.
27) Repeat steps 1-26 as necessary.