Tuesday, February 28, 2006


From a review of Cee-Lo's Cee-Lo Green Is the Soul Machine by Greg Tate in The Village Voice:

"Cee-Lo isn't still trying to elevate heads out the lower depths they've been consigned to by college-educated minstrel-poseur genius Lil Jon—whose parents, I was recently told by an ATL native, are both neurosurgeons. But so what the hell? If everybody in hiphop was more than virtually real there'd be more funerals than beats around anyway."

It makes no sense. Here we have a grown ass man, a man whose parents are surgeons, going around with a "crunk cup." What does mom and dad say at the country club? "Oh, our boy is a rapper. You may have heard of him. People call him lil jon. He is the one who carries a big ass cup around and says YEAH."

Alliance & Repartee

Two announcements in the Subpoena This v. Gothamist battle.

I am proud to announce Subpoena This' first ever alliance. The good people over at
Defecation Dessication of Wit have filed an amicus in our favor. He also provides us with NPR's latest update on Pootaki's condition. If you would like to join our Coalition of the Willing, please contact Subpoena This.

Meanwhile, Ms. Chung over at Gothamist must be quite scared. At 12:17 PM I posted the following comment Ms. Chung's vile post:

Quite surprisingly, PooWatch has been a feature at Subpoena This for quite some time now. Coincidentally, it was last night that we first suggested a conspiracy in Pataki's gut. And then this morning, this article appears.

Most interesting.

Clearly, Ms. Chung has already consulted with Gothamist's cadre of attorneys, and has already attempted to establish a courtroom defense for herself. At 3:31 PM she posted the following response:
I mentioned this conspiracy to Jake on Sunday! But it really is the no-brainer of all why-Pataki-is-stuck-at-hospital conspiracies.
Mentioned it to "Jake," did you? And I would assume that "Jake" is your attorney, Ms. Chung. No-brainer, you say? Then why were you scooped by a full twelve hours on this story?

I encourage those of you who feel passionate to use this link to respond to Ms. Chung at your will....

Your move, Ms. Chung.


As you no doubt already know, Gothamist has blatantly plagiarized this site, and indeed this author/Jewish investigative reporter. I would like to thank the Craigministrator for rising to my defense.

But the time for defense is over. It is time to retaliate!

The author of the offending post is Jen Chung. Her profile indicates that she works for an advertising agency and hopes that one day the Bronx Zoo will have pandas.

Pandas, indeed! This site, by way of our alliance with poster Mandy, has already expressed its support for the pandas at the National Zoo in Washington, DC. Well it is now the stated position of Subpoena This that we will support only the National Zoo pandas, and will actively work to promote those pandas, and to oppose any pandas in New York City. This position will not change until a formal apology is issued by Gothamist and Ms. Chung, and certain emotional damages are paid.

Oh Fuck You, Gothamist

Alright, you rat bastards.

As all of our innumerable readers know, we broke the PooWatch Conspiracy theory, thanks to the tireless efforts of our own Jewish investigative reporter.

Dimitri posted it at 8:43 pm, February 27th.
Gothamist posted this, today.

I, for one, would like to call "bullshit" on this. They are obviously thieves.

And yes, we updated their status in the "Links" section.

Monday, February 27, 2006

PooWatch 2006: Day Eleven

A poll determining the Top Ten Wackiest Street Names was just announced in the Associated Press. While #1 was Psycho Path in Traverse City, MI and #2 was Divorce Court in Heather Highlands, PA, we found George Pataki at #3.

The #3 most wacky street name in America is Tennessee's Farfrompoopen Road, which, by the way, is the only road to Constipation Ridge.

Governor Pootaki's doctors report that he will not be released from the hospital anytime soon, and that he is "experiencing a slow return of normal digestive function." Subpoena This! infers that at last Gov. Pootaki's doctors have learned some tact and euphemism, and that this still means the Governor has not pooped in eleven days.

Perhaps it's time to begin spouting Conspiracy Theories. Who's holding up the poop?

Is it Columbia University? Remember, it's Columbia/Presbyterian holding Pootaki up. Perhaps Columbia is no longer happy with it's 1970 Law School alumnus.

Is it Hillary? Certainly, New York's junior Senator would not be above slipping something into Pootaki's appendix.

Is it the Poop? For some reason, we know the poop does not want to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Who do you think is behind Pootaki's poop problem?

panda cam!

This is the best thing I've ever seen. It has gotten me through the last fifteen minutes of torts. Scroll down.

Giant Pandas - National Zoo

Why I Love Class (Issues)

"Meanwhile things are hotting up in the West End alright
Contracts in the offices, groups in the night
My bummin' slummin' friends have all got new boots
An' someone just asked me if the group would wear suits

I don't wanna hear about what the rich are doing
I don't wanna go to where the rich are going
They think they're so clever, they think they're so right
But the truth is only known by guttersnipes"

--The Clash, "Garageland"

Oh, but man, school can get old.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Subway Stories

Everyone else has a column, so what the fuck?

Well we all know that MTA doesn't really give a shit about you if you live in the "outer boroughs" (as a side note, apparently New York City is composed of five boroughs, and one of them is Staten Island!) so us folks that are out Brooklyn way probably can't expect much when it comes to subway service.


"Surely," you might say, "you can expect the train to come to a stop at at its designated stations so that passengers can detrain." Oh ho, HO! The train may stop--it might even linger a bit while you wait expectantly by the door, staring at the guy that doesn't speak English as he stands on the platform with his fat little kids--but that doesn't mean that the conductor will open the doors. Nor does it mean that you can expect him to give any type of announcement or explanation.

So, after Des and I were kidnapped and trucked out to Southern Queens, along with four or five dozen other unfortunates, we were eventually allowed to exit the train. I approached the side window to instruct the conductor on how, in my opinion, he was a Grade A asshole, but one of my fellow Brooklynites got there first. I did little talking; she summed the situation up for him quite adequately:

"You MUST be smokin' crack, muthafucka! You can't open the doors?! Nevermind that fifty people gotta get off the fuckin' train, asshole...Shit...I know why you didn't get no raise...dumb muthafuckas go on strike and didn't get one cent...too dumb to open the fuckin' train doors! I know why he wasn't opening the doors, he was takin' a hit [of crack cocaine]"

Say what you will about us folks in the Ghetto--but we do know how to communicate our feelings succintly.

UPDATE from the Diministrator: The views expressed in this column that there are "five boroughs" reflect the views of the author only, and not the Blog. Due to disagreement among the administrators, the existence of a mysterious "Fifth Borough" remains in dispute. The Diministrator would also note that this column can only relate to at most four boroughs, because if such a "Fifth Borough" exists, it cannot be traveled to by subway, but only by the conveyance of Magical Faeries.

Tales from the IM Window...

... an ongoing series exploring the effect of instant messaging on modern communication...

"The Bee" (9:57:33 PM): um... texas... Jurors requested numerous rereadings of testimony, with one juror even asking Oldner to define the term "deliberation" and the precise role of a juror. Attorneys on both sides said they have never heard of such requests.
“Red Owl” (10:00:47 PM): deliberation?
“Red Owl” (10:00:51 PM): like deliberation of iraq?
“Red Owl” (10:01:02 PM): texas supports deliberation of iraq
"The Bee" (10:01:56 PM): no wonder the jury was confused... exactly how are they supposed to liberate a middle eastern nation when they are trapped in a room thinking about some trial
“Red Owl” (10:03:16 PM): they were expecting to be showered with rose petals when the trial was over
"The Bee" (10:03:34 PM): instead they were kicked to the curb like a bunch of idiots
“Red Owl” (10:03:46 PM): not idiots
“Red Owl” (10:03:47 PM): texans
"The Bee" (10:04:07 PM): my mistake

We may not torture but...

I would invite whatever comments about the following:
Military interrogators posing as FBI agents at the U.S. detention center at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, wrapped terrorism suspects in an Israeli flag and forced them to watch homosexual pornography under strobe lights during interrogation sessions that lasted as long as 18 hours, according to one of a batch of FBI memos released Thursday.
I might be crazy, but I think I've been to this club...

Caption Contest

To compete you must of course supply three captions.

Caption Contest

An alternate title to this series could be Weird Shit Found on the Washington Post Website...

Come up with your best title!

Friday, February 24, 2006

PooWatch 2006: Day Eight

It has now been eight days since the Governor of the State of New York has taken a dump.

Now, you might have believed that the press, when handling a story of this weight, would do so with all due sensitivity.

Take, for instance, the following story from Newsday, Pataki Gets a Gut Feeling.

Reporter Ellis Henican does not choose to take an impartial look, but instead provides Pootaki his utmost support:
Go, George, Go!
And he concludes with a sad assessment of the situation:
Eight days after minor surgery, he's still not a regular guy.
Meanwhile, the word is, the Governor has still not taken a poop, and he is not expected to take a poop until Monday. Monday, of course being his eleventh day since pooping. However, the word is now, he is being allowed to consume liquid and broth for the first time since his appendix was removed. Wow!

Meanwhile, those of you who know me, know this is disturbing.

'Listed: Tangled Up in Red, White, and Blue

Last night, Sasha Cohen missed her first two jumps in the ladies' figure skating finals. Your correspondent, who was once a single degree of separation away from the blessed-by-God Cohen family on Friendster, was stunned. So was The Community.

A 'lister from New York City sums it up.
Isn't Sasha Cohen the BIGGEST choke artist of all time, right behind Michelle Kwan. I feel bad for her but it's her OWN fault!
Note to self: "choke artist" is a super way to start a flame war!

Other 'listers focused on what really matters to The Community, sexual harassment--err, I mean, "casual encounters".
Enough all ready with these "princessey" jackasses dressed like swans. Time for the real girls. Bring out Sasha Cohen and that absolutely incredible tight little body. Let's see that amazing ass and those legs extended over your head. And it's thong panties this time sweety if you want my 10.0.
Or self-reflection:
Is it just me, or do other guys just stare at women figure skaters' crotches the whole time? I don't know why I do it. Rationally, I really do appreciate everything else that's going on -- the artistry and athleticism. And rationally, I KNOW that I'm never actually going to see any muff. Still, I stare..............I think it must be biological.
"Biological" huh? I'll be watching for you.

In the end, most Sasha haters on the 'list ignored the elephant in the room--that Sasha chose not to win to avoid embarrassing Michelle Kwan. Kudos to this this Bay Area 'lister who came closest to recognizing the truth:
That bitch is #2! Now she can't claim she's better than Michelle Kwan! [Of course she can; she is. --Ed.] I love Michelle!! Sasha is aweful and a known whore!


The Lord Jesus blessed Michelle Kwan with grace, dignity, talent, and power. HE graced us with being able to watch her and enjoy her intelligence and abilities.

Long live the queen! Long live Michelle Kwan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"When justice has spoken humanity must have its turn."

Thursday, February 23, 2006

PooWatch 2006

As of this afternoon, the Governor has not taken a dump.

Michael Bloomberg paid the Governor a surprise, and I'm sure awkward, visit this morning. The two discussed the "hot issue" of port security. The Mayor
"Seriously, he's going in the right direction and he'll be out in a few days I'd assume."
It's not clear whether Bloomberg was talking about Pootaki or his Poo. As for Governor Pootaki's comments:
"Seriously, I want to poop."

Pigeons/national security?

I was walking down the street and a pigeon crossed right in front of me. The pigeon was 6 inches in front of me and didn’t flinch. Am I really that non-threatening? The next pigeon I see is going to get mushed right in the head.

Craig made some really good points,but if Dubai really wanted to mess America,they could just fund a few a terroists. Dubai is just trying to get paid.

Caption Contest

It's that time again.

Post your best caption.

Port This, Pal

Oh come now, Sam, are you trying to suggest that just because the United States occupies and operates foreign interests it's okay for us to voluntarily invite companies owned by other governments to operate something as important as a port?

Look, boss, sometimes life is a one-way street. When you're "The Policeman of the World" you're gonna need to have a few offices to help organize the precincts, right?

Just look at this quote from Mark Twain supporting the American oppression of the Philippines.

And just because we were invited to every other continent and every major country in the world and have set up some small camps, that doesn't mean that we have to open our sensitive naval hubs to just anybody. I mean, the police have a building in your neighborhood, and do you see any UAE types working in the shipping and recieving area? Am I right or am I right?


Update from the Craigministrator: Look, before anyone flames me for being an asshole, please click the embedded links in the post.


I don't see the big deal in letting a foreign gov. run a port. We have a friggin base in Cuba. Do you see Castro complaining.

Pray for Pootaki

New York's Governor has not taken a dump in a week.

No, seriously...

The Governor had his appendix removed last Thursday in emergency surgery. He was not discharged from the hospital, because he couldn't take a dump. He had intestinal surgery on Tuesday, but still no dump.
One source close to Pataki described the blockage as a kink similar to a garden hose that needed to be straightened out.
Ah, you can always count on the NY Post to be classy about it...

Wednesday, February 22, 2006


Tod: I hate penguins. I hate them more than I hate bears.

Dimitri: Even Chilly Willy?

Tod: He cries ice cubes. And that's painful.

Goodbye, Reality.

Yeah...uh, consider this a warning: Mandy's "informative" sites are probably not for the faint of heart.

If you have already seen the, ahem, "meat spin" and found it offensive, then you know what I mean--and be weary of her "more literate" blog, which makes the "meat spin" look like an episode of Full House (that is, it makes it look horrifying).

Hello, World.

I (who maintain a better, more literate, less sucky blog at http://bananarchist.blogspot.com have been invited to join this list.

My contribution will come solely in the form of links to pleasant and informative websites, such as this one.

Did I mention http://bananarchist.blogspot.com?

Because it is a blog I maintain.

UPDATE from Diministrator: This post was written on Opposite Day.
UPDATE from Craigministrator: Jesus, Mandy, who are you? Fudge?

Dizzifying? Yes, dizzifying.

Yo, bitches, listen up. You may notice a subtle change (though you probably didn't) that took place in our subtitle. The word "dizzying" was replaced with the word "dizzifying"--a change I think we can all agree was a long time coming.
However, what you probably didn't notice, no matter how hooked into the cosmic waves you might be--is WHY this change occurred. (Can you even notice a why? You can now.)

The fault lays with one Bryant Smith, first year law student at NYU and 125 year-old Wisconsinite. If you don't believe me, check it here (hint: click on 'S' in the submenu).


Dimitri and Craig have seen it fit to allow me to join their little club. As I understand it, admission includes the ability to post messages, as well as a weekly game of grab-ass and the monthly pot-luck BBQ and pick-up curling game.

Although we are all aware of the stresses of first year law students and the problems inherent in the new UAE-port deal, I would like to address another pressing issue: elephants wearing people clothing (see above).

Now, in analyzing this problem, you must understand that elephants do not only wear rain coats, as this picture may indicate. In fact, they have been known to wear pants, shirts, and occasionally sexy lingerie (no picture, use your imagination). Although this does not preclude our own ability to wear people clothes as some of us people have been known to do (not me), I feel that it undermines the sanctity of people clothes. Look at the guy in this picture, he is so upset by the elephant's flaunting of his ability to wear people clothes, that he can't even look. What to do about this? What indeed... (to be continued)

Morning Would be Better...

Remember Voodoo Economics?

Well I just discovered that while this might apply correctly to the Laffer Curve, it does apply to my mornings.

After half a semester of waking up at 7:00am, and showing up late to class, the last few days I've started gettin up after 8:00am and getting to class on time. I even had time to stop off at Zozo's first day of breakfast ever.

Lesson: Wake up later, get to class earlier. Lower taxes, increase revenue.

Preemptive UPDATE: Yes, this is a self-indulgent post about how impressed I am with myself.

God Bless America

This is real, boys and girls. Sue Myrick is a Republican rep from North Carolina. Check it.
Expect a history lesson update from Dimitri soon.

UPDATE from Dimitri: Sue Myrick represents NC's 9th District (the fightin' Ninth!) representing Charlotte. Part of the Gingrich Revolution in 1994, she is among the House's most conservative members.

'Listed: the UAE Port Controversy

Hey everyone! I'm Moose. I'll be contributing to the blog by applying the collective intelligence of Craigslist to topical issues of the day. Today's subject is the UAE port controversy. Here are three perspectives:

First, a lister weighs in from "Shits Creek" (sic).
It took only 25 days to finalize the deal for the UAE to buy 6 US ports. It takes 6-8 weeks for a US citizen to get a passport!
Totally! It takes 6-8 weeks to even get from Newark into the city. Thanks for sharing!

Then there's this too good for words photomontage.

But the 'List isn't just a hotbed of Islamophobia, it's a community where everyone has their say.
May Allah grant glory and eternal salvation to those who know how to stroke a soft cheek in an accomplished manner, to give a just accolade to a slender waist, and to enter the sweetest farj (yoni) with a befitting skill!
Read the whole thing, then tell me "these people" can't be trusted with the Port of New Jersey.

Have you seen my brain?

LOST: My mind.
I recently traveled cross-country, in a trip that ranged from Los Angeles up to Seattle and then across to New York City; I could've lost it anywhere along the way. Certainly don't remember having it since I left California. Might be in a drawer in a Best Western or Motor Lodge off of Interstate 80 somewhere between Yellowstone Park and the Ohio Turnpike.
Miss it desperately (I think I do, well I can't think, but I assume I do), need it badly (or so I've been told).


contact: Craig (555-1234)

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Tales from the IM Window...

... an ongoing series exploring the effect of instant messaging on modern communication...

"Jim Ball" (5:51:43 PM): wow i was just talking about the UAE thing
"Jim Ball" (5:51:51 PM): and here this blog mentions it
"Jim Ball" (5:52:32 PM): HEY THIS IS YOUR BLOG!!!!!
"Dimitri" (5:52:35 PM): indeed
"Jim Ball" (5:52:38 PM): your a scorpio?
"Jim Ball" (5:52:41 PM): and a law student
"Dimitri" (5:52:42 PM): yes
"Jim Ball" (5:52:45 PM): theres so little i know about you
"Jim Ball" (5:52:51 PM): i was in your apartment last night

FYI: Jim is a dear friend from college...

Caption Contest

Come up with the Best Caption for this photo. I don't think there's anything more I can say about it.


Not to get crazy serious on my first post, but this UAE thing has got me fairly riled up.

As you may know, I went to a middle/high school with a lot of Middle Eastern students. When I got in early decision to college, my very good friend from the UAE, Abeer, got into Rice, and I spent my day at the Embassy Residence of the UAE celebrating. Her dad was the ambassador, and my dad had fought in the Israeli Army.

It's been amazing especially to see Democrats jumping on board with fear-mongering. Towel-heads might wind up working in our ports. Aren't these the same guys (and gals) who were pretty angry when we were pulling Arab people off planes? Can someone correct me if there's a difference?

We don't want Arab people working on our ports? Pardon the consequentialist argument, but can we also say that we don't want them flying planes, teaching high school, dating our daughters? I understand Dems are just trying to find another issue to blast Bush on incompetence, and this one's good because Repubs are attacking him, too. But racist fear-mongering might be a line not worth crossing.

UPDATE: Bill Frist is proposing legislation to nix the UAE ports deal. Senator Clinton, and new NJ Senator Bob Menendez are supporting it. Pres. Bush is threatening his first-ever veto.

States, Mythology, and Utility OR Up Yours Rhode Island

That title might invite undue misconstruction--obviously, the United States exists--but please ladies and gentlemen, be patient while I blog.
Now, a comment made in Constitutional Law class sparked this post; the commentator expressed dismay that some of the smaller states might have been duped into ratifying the Constitution with a promise of state sovereignty--sovereignty that has steeply declined.
Take Rhode Island, for example: Rhode Island gets two senators just like everyone else. Thanks to the 17th amendment, the only mechanism for representing the State's desires in the Federal Congress is now moot, and, given the explicit Constitutional structure and the case law precedent leading up to the Rehnquist Court, the Federal Government's power seems irreversibly bolstered at the expense of the States'. Additionally, these two senators are probably more interested in exercising their Federal powers than they are in representing, directly, the will of the State (not its people, but the State itself). So, Rhode Island now finds itself in a relative position of power that is well below its pre-ratification level.

It begs the question: Is this fair?

Well, I have an answer: WHO THE FUCK CARES?!
You ever been to Rhode Island?

Was the promise of State sovereignty a lie? Probably. What's wrong with mythology? Myths can be fantastic, and useful--even beyond neo-Marxist notions of repressive ideology. The Unites State of America exists because we believe it exists, because others recognize its existence.

It's an abstract object with tangible representatives that exists purely out of utility and contractual agreement. So is Rhode Island. And, when a myth or an abstract idea is no longer useful, we should feel comfortable discarding it.

Opening Salvo

Aight. I considered a variety of approaches to the first post and have nixed them all. Let's be real here for a moment--if we are avoiding pretension, wouldn't a lot of undue ceremony be starting off on the wrong foot?

So here it is: No manifesto, no excessive explanations, no dizzying intellectualism.