YEAH!

From a review of Cee-Lo's Cee-Lo Green Is the Soul Machine by Greg Tate in The Village Voice:

"Cee-Lo isn't still trying to elevate heads out the lower depths they've been consigned to by college-educated minstrel-poseur genius Lil Jon—whose parents, I was recently told by an ATL native, are both neurosurgeons. But so what the hell? If everybody in hiphop was more than virtually real there'd be more funerals than beats around anyway."

It makes no sense. Here we have a grown ass man, a man whose parents are surgeons, going around with a "crunk cup." What does mom and dad say at the country club? "Oh, our boy is a rapper. You may have heard of him. People call him lil jon. He is the one who carries a big ass cup around and says YEAH."

Oh Fuck You, Gothamist

Alright, you rat bastards.

As all of our innumerable readers know, we broke the PooWatch Conspiracy theory, thanks to the tireless efforts of our own Jewish investigative reporter.

Dimitri posted it at 8:43 pm, February 27th.
Gothamist posted this, today.

I, for one, would like to call "bullshit" on this. They are obviously thieves.

And yes, we updated their status in the "Links" section.

panda cam!

This is the best thing I've ever seen. It has gotten me through the last fifteen minutes of torts. Scroll down.

Giant Pandas - National Zoo

Why I Love Class (Issues)

"Meanwhile things are hotting up in the West End alright
Contracts in the offices, groups in the night
My bummin' slummin' friends have all got new boots
An' someone just asked me if the group would wear suits

I don't wanna hear about what the rich are doing
I don't wanna go to where the rich are going
They think they're so clever, they think they're so right
But the truth is only known by guttersnipes"

--The Clash, "Garageland"

Oh, but man, school can get old.

Subway Stories

Everyone else has a column, so what the fuck?

Well we all know that MTA doesn't really give a shit about you if you live in the "outer boroughs" (as a side note, apparently New York City is composed of five boroughs, and one of them is Staten Island!) so us folks that are out Brooklyn way probably can't expect much when it comes to subway service.

But!

"Surely," you might say, "you can expect the train to come to a stop at at its designated stations so that passengers can detrain." Oh ho, HO! The train may stop--it might even linger a bit while you wait expectantly by the door, staring at the guy that doesn't speak English as he stands on the platform with his fat little kids--but that doesn't mean that the conductor will open the doors. Nor does it mean that you can expect him to give any type of announcement or explanation.

So, after Des and I were kidnapped and trucked out to Southern Queens, along with four or five dozen other unfortunates, we were eventually allowed to exit the train. I approached the side window to instruct the conductor on how, in my opinion, he was a Grade A asshole, but one of my fellow Brooklynites got there first. I did little talking; she summed the situation up for him quite adequately:

"You MUST be smokin' crack, muthafucka! You can't open the doors?! Nevermind that fifty people gotta get off the fuckin' train, asshole...Shit...I know why you didn't get no raise...dumb muthafuckas go on strike and didn't get one cent...too dumb to open the fuckin' train doors! I know why he wasn't opening the doors, he was takin' a hit [of crack cocaine]"

Say what you will about us folks in the Ghetto--but we do know how to communicate our feelings succintly.

UPDATE from the Diministrator: The views expressed in this column that there are "five boroughs" reflect the views of the author only, and not the Blog. Due to disagreement among the administrators, the existence of a mysterious "Fifth Borough" remains in dispute. The Diministrator would also note that this column can only relate to at most four boroughs, because if such a "Fifth Borough" exists, it cannot be traveled to by subway, but only by the conveyance of Magical Faeries.

Pigeons/national security?

I was walking down the street and a pigeon crossed right in front of me. The pigeon was 6 inches in front of me and didn’t flinch. Am I really that non-threatening? The next pigeon I see is going to get mushed right in the head.

Craig made some really good points,but if Dubai really wanted to mess America,they could just fund a few a terroists. Dubai is just trying to get paid.

Port This, Pal

Oh come now, Sam, are you trying to suggest that just because the United States occupies and operates foreign interests it's okay for us to voluntarily invite companies owned by other governments to operate something as important as a port?

Look, boss, sometimes life is a one-way street. When you're "The Policeman of the World" you're gonna need to have a few offices to help organize the precincts, right?

Just look at this quote from Mark Twain supporting the American oppression of the Philippines.

And just because we were invited to every other continent and every major country in the world and have set up some small camps, that doesn't mean that we have to open our sensitive naval hubs to just anybody. I mean, the police have a building in your neighborhood, and do you see any UAE types working in the shipping and recieving area? Am I right or am I right?

Right.

Update from the Craigministrator: Look, before anyone flames me for being an asshole, please click the embedded links in the post.

Port

I don't see the big deal in letting a foreign gov. run a port. We have a friggin base in Cuba. Do you see Castro complaining.

Goodbye, Reality.

Yeah...uh, consider this a warning: Mandy's "informative" sites are probably not for the faint of heart.

If you have already seen the, ahem, "meat spin" and found it offensive, then you know what I mean--and be weary of her "more literate" blog, which makes the "meat spin" look like an episode of Full House (that is, it makes it look horrifying).

Hello, World.

I (who maintain a better, more literate, less sucky blog at http://bananarchist.blogspot.com have been invited to join this list.

My contribution will come solely in the form of links to pleasant and informative websites, such as this one.

Did I mention http://bananarchist.blogspot.com?

Because it is a blog I maintain.

UPDATE from Diministrator: This post was written on Opposite Day.
UPDATE from Craigministrator: Jesus, Mandy, who are you? Fudge?

Dizzifying? Yes, dizzifying.

Yo, bitches, listen up. You may notice a subtle change (though you probably didn't) that took place in our subtitle. The word "dizzying" was replaced with the word "dizzifying"--a change I think we can all agree was a long time coming.
However, what you probably didn't notice, no matter how hooked into the cosmic waves you might be--is WHY this change occurred. (Can you even notice a why? You can now.)

The fault lays with one Bryant Smith, first year law student at NYU and 125 year-old Wisconsinite. If you don't believe me, check it here (hint: click on 'S' in the submenu).

EAT YOUR HEART OUT, BIN LADIN

Dimitri and Craig have seen it fit to allow me to join their little club. As I understand it, admission includes the ability to post messages, as well as a weekly game of grab-ass and the monthly pot-luck BBQ and pick-up curling game.

Although we are all aware of the stresses of first year law students and the problems inherent in the new UAE-port deal, I would like to address another pressing issue: elephants wearing people clothing (see above).

Now, in analyzing this problem, you must understand that elephants do not only wear rain coats, as this picture may indicate. In fact, they have been known to wear pants, shirts, and occasionally sexy lingerie (no picture, use your imagination). Although this does not preclude our own ability to wear people clothes as some of us people have been known to do (not me), I feel that it undermines the sanctity of people clothes. Look at the guy in this picture, he is so upset by the elephant's flaunting of his ability to wear people clothes, that he can't even look. What to do about this? What indeed... (to be continued)

God Bless America

This is real, boys and girls. Sue Myrick is a Republican rep from North Carolina. Check it.
Expect a history lesson update from Dimitri soon.

UPDATE from Dimitri: Sue Myrick represents NC's 9th District (the fightin' Ninth!) representing Charlotte. Part of the Gingrich Revolution in 1994, she is among the House's most conservative members.

Have you seen my brain?

LOST: My mind.
I recently traveled cross-country, in a trip that ranged from Los Angeles up to Seattle and then across to New York City; I could've lost it anywhere along the way. Certainly don't remember having it since I left California. Might be in a drawer in a Best Western or Motor Lodge off of Interstate 80 somewhere between Yellowstone Park and the Ohio Turnpike.
Miss it desperately (I think I do, well I can't think, but I assume I do), need it badly (or so I've been told).

BIG REWARD

contact: Craig (555-1234)

States, Mythology, and Utility OR Up Yours Rhode Island

That title might invite undue misconstruction--obviously, the United States exists--but please ladies and gentlemen, be patient while I blog.
Now, a comment made in Constitutional Law class sparked this post; the commentator expressed dismay that some of the smaller states might have been duped into ratifying the Constitution with a promise of state sovereignty--sovereignty that has steeply declined.
Take Rhode Island, for example: Rhode Island gets two senators just like everyone else. Thanks to the 17th amendment, the only mechanism for representing the State's desires in the Federal Congress is now moot, and, given the explicit Constitutional structure and the case law precedent leading up to the Rehnquist Court, the Federal Government's power seems irreversibly bolstered at the expense of the States'. Additionally, these two senators are probably more interested in exercising their Federal powers than they are in representing, directly, the will of the State (not its people, but the State itself). So, Rhode Island now finds itself in a relative position of power that is well below its pre-ratification level.

It begs the question: Is this fair?

Well, I have an answer: WHO THE FUCK CARES?!
You ever been to Rhode Island?

Was the promise of State sovereignty a lie? Probably. What's wrong with mythology? Myths can be fantastic, and useful--even beyond neo-Marxist notions of repressive ideology. The Unites State of America exists because we believe it exists, because others recognize its existence.

It's an abstract object with tangible representatives that exists purely out of utility and contractual agreement. So is Rhode Island. And, when a myth or an abstract idea is no longer useful, we should feel comfortable discarding it.

Opening Salvo

Aight. I considered a variety of approaches to the first post and have nixed them all. Let's be real here for a moment--if we are avoiding pretension, wouldn't a lot of undue ceremony be starting off on the wrong foot?

So here it is: No manifesto, no excessive explanations, no dizzying intellectualism.