I Have an Idea
I just read this article in the Washington Post calling for all women to begin acting like they are pregnant in order to protect the health of the pretend baby they are carrying. The article focuses on new federal guidelines that call for "preconception care," a combination of nutritional and behavoiral practices intended to decrease the U.S.'s abominably high infant mortality rate.
Do you smoke? Well stop it--you could become pregnant and it would be bad for the fetus.
Alcohol? Sorry, same deal.
Not currently taking folic acid supplements? Jesus, haven't you been paying attention?! YOU COULD BECOME PREGNANT!
I don't care that you are a militant lesbian--almost half the births in this country are accidental. That means that you have a 50% chance of becoming pregnant in the next week and a half regardless of your sexual orientation or activities.
Danger to the imaginary infant takes many forms--workplace hazards, socioeconomic pressures, vegetarians, Marxism, and UnAmerican Thoughts and Ideas.
Look, people, this is a war--a war against infant mortality. We have to make sacrifices.
Our country's baby factories aren't producing properly, and dammit, someone has to do something about it.
I applaud the brave members of the federal government for their progressive new idea, and I must admit that I am suprised that the Republican controlled government would so readily push for such an obviously feminist idea. But why stop at nutrition? Why just argue against drinking alcohol? If we really want to minimize risks, we will make it illegal for the fair sex to work outside the home. Scratch that--let's make it illegal for them to leave the home.
The less external stimuli, the safer our non-existent babies are gonna be.
I bet that if you look up the beginings of the rise in infant mortality rates, it will correspond clearly to when women begain working outside the homes, marriages were no longer arranged, and the Supreme Court rejected Jesus Christ as the country's National Personal Saviour by ruling that laws against contraception were unconstitutional in Griswold v. Connecticut.
Do you smoke? Well stop it--you could become pregnant and it would be bad for the fetus.
Alcohol? Sorry, same deal.
Not currently taking folic acid supplements? Jesus, haven't you been paying attention?! YOU COULD BECOME PREGNANT!
I don't care that you are a militant lesbian--almost half the births in this country are accidental. That means that you have a 50% chance of becoming pregnant in the next week and a half regardless of your sexual orientation or activities.
Danger to the imaginary infant takes many forms--workplace hazards, socioeconomic pressures, vegetarians, Marxism, and UnAmerican Thoughts and Ideas.
Look, people, this is a war--a war against infant mortality. We have to make sacrifices.
Our country's baby factories aren't producing properly, and dammit, someone has to do something about it.
I applaud the brave members of the federal government for their progressive new idea, and I must admit that I am suprised that the Republican controlled government would so readily push for such an obviously feminist idea. But why stop at nutrition? Why just argue against drinking alcohol? If we really want to minimize risks, we will make it illegal for the fair sex to work outside the home. Scratch that--let's make it illegal for them to leave the home.
The less external stimuli, the safer our non-existent babies are gonna be.
I bet that if you look up the beginings of the rise in infant mortality rates, it will correspond clearly to when women begain working outside the homes, marriages were no longer arranged, and the Supreme Court rejected Jesus Christ as the country's National Personal Saviour by ruling that laws against contraception were unconstitutional in Griswold v. Connecticut.
posted by Radio at 3:39:00 PM
3 Comments:
I like showing you news stories because I know they will soon become blogs for all to see...
For god's sake, you've left out the most important preconception safeguard! Quit your job! Women should not be working. What if they get pregnant on the job?
That's a good point. They should neither leave the home nor be allowed to work while inside the home.
In fact, they should also always be laying down, to avoid the physical stress caused by gravity.
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