Look Out Defeatocrats! Republicans Develop a Sense of Humour! (?)

Alright. So the Republican National Convention has found a powerful new weapon in its fight against Dumbocrats. It's even better than their policy of playing with the name of their rival political party, the Spendocrats.

Satirical News.

Look out, folks, the Republicans have had a glass of sherry and/or a bottle of sam adams, and they've come home feeling a bit "randy." After years of being debased by The Daily Show and and now, The Colbert Report, the RNC decided to fight satire with satire, hence their latest spending effort:

America Weakly

Fuck, man. Even the title is clever. It's a newspaper that looks into the future: What would life be like in 2007 if the Democrats won the upcoming election?
Now, as much as I'd love to critically examine the entire (fake) newspaper, I won't
Instead, I'll offer some commentary on a few representative paragraphs, from the news story Democrats: In Charge and Charged Up:

The reality is that despite some setbacks, the entire political landscape has changed. America is radically different than it was just eight months ago. And even outside of Washington, regular Americans are sitting up and taking notice.

Okay, this paragraph is mostly set up and you need it to make sense of the next two. One thing I will say is notice that it refers to "regular Americans". These "regular americans" are from New York and San Francisco. Presumably, the implicit point is that the liberal media would naturally only pull from New York and San Francisco, on account of the vast number of liberal and pinko commies that inhabit each city. Apparently someone thinks this is really funny. Unfortunately, I'm not one of them.

“It’s about time,” Judy Smith-Walker, a New York graphic designer said. “Go into any coffee shop here and you’ll hear people saying the same thing: we finally feel like the government is one we can understand.”

Why is this funny? It's not. But here's why they migh think it's funny:
First of all, she is a graphic designer. Sure, the RNC likes their website and their fake newspapers to look nice, but the people who make them look nice are obviously vegetarian homosexuals. Just like all the other regular americans in New York.
Secondly, no one but a pinko jackass would ever be in a coffee shop, that's for hippies and people who watch Friends. Except for Starbucks, of course. Those $4 crappacinos are sweet.
Thirdly, and I'm not sure about this one, but apparently liberals are idiots. That's why they couldn't understand a republican lead government. I guess.

Stefan, a 28-year-old full time student in San Francisco, agrees, adding that he feels that the Democrats’ priorities more closely match most Americans. “Ask around,” he said. “No one here is talking about a so-called War on Terror or how many dividends corporate America can show."

Now this paragraph is especially hilarious. First, the kid is named "Stefan" so he is probably from Europe, or gay, or both. Secondly, the guy is a 28-year-old full time student, and we all know how education is for losers: He should be married, with eight kids (no birth control, thanks) and should be supporting all those kids running a cash register at WalMart for $6.75 an hour. That's the American Way. Besides, who needs an advanced degree? The Republicans who came up with all this funny stuff average a 6th grade education. Third, notice the lack of understanding about liberal nutjobs revealed in the final sentence: No one is talking about the War on Terror or Corporate America? If they had done their homework, they at least could've had Stefan, the full-time student, say, "Finally, the government isn't using the so-called War on Terror to spy on me while I exercise my constitutional right to look up how-to-build bombs on Wikipedia. And even better, they made corporations illegal! That's great! I buy all my electronics at a farmer's market." See? Still not funny, but at least it doesn't evince a misunderstanding of common stereotypes. I mean, c'mon, that's all this paper has going for it.

Finally, they manage to sneak three stereotypical insults into a single, final, devastatingly clever sentence that would make that big, dead, fag Oscar Wilde, proud:

"We want Washington dealing with real issues, like stopping animal testing, or ending the Cuba embargo, or finally passing a good, Canadian-style health care system.”


Issues trounced:
1) Animal rights -- hey, dumbshit, ever read a bible?
2) Communism -- Uh, hello, we need to keep those Cubans poor, or the Soviets will invade! Plus, it's revenge for them kicking out all our organized crime organizations. Those fuckheads.
3) Health care -- Look, poor people shouldn't have to go to the emergency room to get antibiotics. They have jobs, right? They make $12,000 a year? No? Well they should. A normal family would be able to and that money would cover their health expenses, too...I'm assuming.

Other, funnier issues they could've made fun of:
1) Global warming
2) Raising the federal minimum wage
3) Campagin finance reform

I think a key thing the RNC is missing with this one is that people like Stefan only compromise a small percentage of the Democratic party. And, more likely, us pinko freaks are probably too disenfranchised to really identify much with any particular party. On the other hand, I think middle-aged, middle-class white men make up the majority of the Republican base. They really are at a disadvantage when coming up with funny stereotypes. Plus, they're retarded.