This Just In: Talking Vegetables Attacked While Attending Minor League Sporting Event

(Above: Tom Cruise, left, teaches Rob Lowe, right, about Scientology in the upcoming Mission Impossible 4: Mission? Make Tom Cruise Not Crazy. No, I'm kidding. They're actually just messengers from God.)

By Craig "What the hell am I doing in housing court?" Bolton (Unassociated Press)
Camden, N.J.--During the Seventh Inning stretch at a Riversharks game, Camden's own AA minor league baseball team, fans were treated to a special surprise. Talking vegetables, possibly from another planet, descended upon the stadium in a mission of peace. Their goal? To save the audience from the impending doom of eternal damnation.

Unfortunately, swarms of hungry children barged their way onto the field, intent on defending their planet--and their sinful, laviscious ways. The ensuing battle lasted for nearly 18 minutes, according to some witnesses. There were no survivors.

Seriously, though, talking vegetables? What gives?
Well, it seems that Christianity, long touted by Machiavellians for its ideological maleability and dependable superstructure, has provided Minor League baseball teams across the nation with a much needed boost in attendance.

Much like "Free Bat Night" or "Severely Reduced Priced Taco Saturdays," "Faith Nights" are a new promotional tool, wherein Christian organizations receive discounted tickets. In exchange, the Christian machinery, with its fleet of buses and well established communication network, "put fannies in the seats," as one Tomato said (unpictured).

It's good to see that sports promoters have learned, like the Republican Party before them, that American Christians are easily manipulated, turn out in dependably large numbers, and do what they are asked to do without a lot of questions and such (My apologies to the hundreds of millions of American Christians out there, but obviously some of you fit this description neatly).

Interested? Read more, here.