An Open Letter to the Australian Chick in the Front Row:

Shut up. Look, just SHUT - UP.

I am so sick of hearing you self-aggrandize. I don't know WHAT you think you are accomplishing. I can venture to guess that it’s some sort of insecurity issue, and that your actions are the pitiable actions of a human being in search of acceptance. Somewhere, in your torn neuroses, the concept of having 100 students and a very well respected, well-known, and overpaid professor listen to you gets you all hot and bothered. Maybe it makes you feel better about yourself. Nevertheless, I don't care: you bug the shit out of me.

And it's not just me. Trust me. A number of us trade knowing looks whenever you start chattering away. You know, it's not that your points are all that bad--you've actually said a number of intelligent things. But there's something to be said for style, for consideration.

If you don't WANT the rest of us to continue hating you, here's a few maneuvers you should consider dropping from your classroom behavior:

1) Beginning sentences with the words "in Australia..."
Okay. We're not in Australia. The whole comparative law thing is only useful if you are making some type of comparison about the law that informs or alters our understanding of the topic at hand. We know you're from Australia, because we can hear you talking (in fact, that's part of the problem). Secondly, it's not that impressive of a place from which to be. Thirdly, I could give a shit what Australians think about U.S. First Amendment Law.

2) Dropping the line, "well I already did the reading for next week, and..." in the middle of your comment.
You read ahead. Wow: you can read. The professor has a lesson plan, thanks for fucking it up. (P.S.: We know you're an overachiever--it's law school. The secure, lazy individuals stopped running in the educational hamster wheel a long, long time ago, so we're the only ones left.)

3) Interrupting the professor and starting to talk without raising your hand or being called on. First, it's massively disrespectful to everyone in the class and especially the professor. Second, the professor might not want to call on you or let you speak, and, for the good of the class and the others in it, you should consider that the professor might be right. Third, maybe we don't want to hear what you have to say, so you might consider at least following the damn rules so the professor--who is aware that you're overbearing--can at least minimize your negative effects.

I realize this letter may come as a shock. I realize that, considering your obvious insecurities, it would be difficult to affect a graceful, unemotional response to it. So, as an extra incentive, I am adding an additional caveat:

For every minute you spend talking, you owe me--and everyone else in the room who wants in on the deal--$2.06.

Why $2.06? Because I calculated out the cost of our tuition, and we each spend $2.06 per minute of our class time (and if that doesn't shut you up for a minute, I don't know what will). Frankly, lady, you are wasting my time, and you are wasting my money. Stop it, or provide remuneration for your harms.

Love,

Radio