Subpoena This

Headline: Robe Lowe On New Medication

2006-12-19T00:01:00.000-05:00

Doesn't he look smug and self-satisfied? Or better yet, doped up on anti-anxiety medication?
What about the kid? Cracked out, I'd say. And the wife...so stern and noble.
Look how well-defined all their eyebrows are. Look at that crease on Rob's left cheek--that is a well-defined cheek crease.

Well, apparently this isn't JUST the face of a man whose happy--and has great skin creasitude--this is the face of a man about to die.

Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm not going to kill him.

But God is. Not Rob, his character.

Look at that picture! It's just all too creepy for me.

Are We Fucked?

2006-12-15T15:21:00.000-05:00

"In 1970, 79 percent said their goal was developing a meaningful philosophy of life. By 2005, 75 percent said their primary objective was to be financially very well off."

The next to last line of a story in the NY Times today. Casually thrown out, without much thought (and, in fact, used more to illustrate a point about the growth of the upper-middle class).

Is this a sign of social degradation or evidence that having a college education is no longer the sole province of an already rich upper crust, that really didn't need the degree to begin with? (Which would, in part, explain the lower "value" of such degrees).

My Head Hurts

2006-12-06T20:52:00.000-05:00

Someone please drill a hole in my skull to release the pressure.

Like so:

This is funny...

2006-12-05T23:54:00.000-05:00

July 12, 2006

Paralegal dies in some sort of accident

The Firm mourns the loss of a paralegal, who apparently died last month from some illness or in an accident. He/she was a valuable and loved employee, whose dedication was noticed by all. He/she will be missed. On a brighter note, new paper clips arrived today, and everyone is very excited. The Firm's recent paper clip shortage has impacted everyone's life here, from the partners who use the paper clips to the associates who get the paper clips thrown at them. A party was held to celebrate the new paper clips in conference room 24B. Cake was served. Also, we mourned the loss of our paralegal, who we miss deeply, and wish he or she was still here with us. A fund has been established in his/her name, as soon as we remember it.

From anonymouslawfirm.com.

Compare it to this "real" firm.

(Could have been any firm...sorry S&S.)

Blogino

2006-12-05T21:02:00.000-05:00

I envy Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia. Not because he's fat (although he probably deals with this "snow" stuff better than I do); Not because he's Sicillian (I'm 1/4 Sicillian, myself, and yes, I have a thick crust with flat, baking soda overtones); and NOT because he's a Supreme Court Justice (I really don't have the discipline to spend my life in the kind of horrible ways that truly outstanding academic and professional success require).

I envy Nino, as he prefers to be called, because the world seems so clear to him.

On the Death Penalty: “You want to have a fair death penalty? You kill; you die. That’s fair.”

Reading his opinions, it becomes clear that other people are retarded.

During his dissent in Texas v. Johnson (which declared a law banning homosexual sodomy unconstitutional) Scalia discusses the ramification of the majority's decision: "This reasoning leaves on pretty shaky grounds state laws limiting marriage to opposite-sex couples. Justice O'Connor seeks to preserve them by the conclusory statement that "preserving the traditional institution of marriage" is a legitimate state interest. But preserving the traditional institution of marriage is just a kinder way of describing the State's moral disapproval of same-sex couples."

See? That's so easy to understand. It's actually a pretty complicated issue (at least the majority, including O'Connor) seems to think so, as do the numerous state courts that have since struggled with laws banning same-sex marriage (or homarriage as no one calls it), including New York, New Jersey, Massachusettes, and California to name the most Blue (two of those four upheld the laws, one struck it, and the last struck it, with the caveat of allowing the legislature to decide what to call same-sex marriage-like relationships [homarriage! I'm telling you!]). But ol' Scalia sees the world through clear, Catholic eyes.

Just check out this well deserved shrine to him.

Oh, to understand the world so easily...

How To Tell if You are Crazy

2006-12-04T11:24:00.000-05:00

For thousands of years, determining if you were crazy was a costly and time-consuming endeavor. One had to hire psychologists, excorcists, or philosophers well versed in the human body and the proper balance of its "humours"--usually at costs so outrageous that only the three richest kings of Europe could afford them--and then sit in their sterile offices for DECADES while they poked, prodded, and asked you about your experiences in kindergarten as the only kid who "spoke directly to Jesus."

I say WAS, because I have devised an amazing, effective, and inexpensive test for determining crazitude in the average human being. In the interests of the free exchange of information, I have made this test available on this blog.

If any of the following sets of circumstances describes you, you suffer from clinical crazosity:

1) You are under the age of 65, but you regularly get up at 4:30 in the morning even though you have nothing to do, and then you begin watching "Fox and Friends," because "it's the dog's favorite show."

-OR-

2) You're an actor and your character's given name is "Theodore," but you introduce yourself in the movie as "Ted 'Theodore' Logan" and then go on to make a string of sci-fi action movies and then my grandpa mispronounces your real first name as "Canoe" because he thinks it's funny (he also says that Mel Gibson is actually only three and a half feet tall and runs around on stilts).

-OR- (finally)

3) You think it's a really good idea to take all the Muslims in the United States and tatoo crescents on their forwards to ensure our national security.

(You can't make this stuff up).

Am I a loser?

2006-11-26T01:15:00.000-05:00

So I think John Edwards would make a fine president, yet he has no traction. I am a also a big fan of Wes Clarke, he probably will not get much traction. I am not a big a fan of either Hillary or Obamma ( Oh the liberal Blasphemy). Given my record with candidates, I am sure she will be president and he Secretary General of the UN.

From the Heritage Foundation's website. I want to puke

2006-11-25T17:04:00.000-05:00

2006-11-21T19:23:00.000-05:00

Kramer should have called Randall Kennedy.

WSJ

2006-11-16T15:44:00.000-05:00

Last time I checked the government was running huge deficits. Not to mention that some our deficit calculations don't take into account Treasury IOUs to Social Security and the emergency spending for the war. The Wall street Journal editorial page is evil.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Editorial in today's Wall Street Journal: Rubin's Tax Gambit: Raising Taxes in a Housing Slump Isn't the Smartest Policy:

[R]aising taxes amid a housing decline doesn't sound like brilliant policy to us. Depending on inflation signals in the coming weeks, the Federal Reserve may not be done raising interest rates. The best hope for avoiding a recession next year and into 2008 is that strong corporate profits and the tight job market will lift business investment and consumer spending enough to offset the impact of tighter monetary policy. The last thing the economy needs now is a tax increase, too.

And what are the urgent "fiscal problems" that justify a tax increase, anyway? As the nearby chart shows, federal revenues in fiscal 2006 were 18.4% of GDP, higher than the 18.2% post-1965 average. In October, the first month of fiscal 2007, revenues rose by 12% from a year earlier. Mr. Rubin thinks this windfall isn't enough; perhaps he wants to return to the late Clinton years, when the feds grabbed a record 20.9% of GDP and taxpayers demanded a refund by endorsing George W. Bush's tax cut proposal in the election of 2000.

I am SOOOOOO Tired...

2006-11-12T11:12:00.000-05:00

2006-11-10T14:23:00.000-05:00

The Below post is not mine; despite that failing, it is quite articulate. I also think Mr. Cohen is a Cambridge alum rather than an Oxford alum, but I am not sure and don't care enough to check.

---------------------------------------------------------------
You do realize that Borat is not a real person, don't you? That he is actually (and ironically) the creation of an Oxford-educated British Jew, Sasha Baron Cohen?

Borat is intended to unmask latent anti-semitism, homophobia, misogynism and racism in people who would otherwise keep their mouths shut and judge people in silence. And he is brilliant at it. Perhaps if you see the footage of "Borat's" sucessful attempt to get a roomful of southerners to happily sing a song called "Throw the Jew Down the Well," you would understand.

That's pretty damn clever in my book. And it makes a poignant point about society and the human condition. The fact that he manages to make it strangely hilarious is just icing on the cake.

What do you mean, "15 minutes," anyway? That's the sort of comment you reserve for people with no apparent talent to speak of, like Paris Hilton. Do you say that about all entertainers you don't happen to like?

Lighten up.

California? I HATE California!

2006-11-09T18:18:00.000-05:00

That's a quote from a movie. I don't know what movie. I just know the song that uses the clip of that quote from the movie (Good Riddance "Fire Engine Red"). It's a subtle/not so subtle reference, insomuchas you know it's a clip of something (because of the disparate audio quality), and, as such, a direct allusion, but you don't to what it is alluding unless you are familiar with the work in which the original quote appears. And, I'm assuming, few people are.

It's the equivalent of me writing "zeal for liberty." You know I'm quoting something, but aren't sure what it is, because it's referencing something so outside the popular realm that it's BEYOND esoteric. It's actually mega-esoteric or perhaps, more properly, ultra-esoteric (anyone know the difference between the two?). It's actually a disgustingly inside joke, and I can think of a total of THREE people who know to what it references (myself included) and ONE person who thinks it's funny (that's you, Red).

Anyways, to pickup from a topic I didn't even really broach, I ACTUALLY had a good time in California. If only every day culminated in a wedding celebration with an open bar, an AWESOME band, and 6 hours of dancing, I would be really tired. And happy. For about a week. And then it would get old.

But still, it was a blast.

On to new business:
New Esoteric Blog - Judges Are Funny

Haven't actually submitted a quote, yet, but it's only a matter of time.

2006-11-05T00:05:00.000-05:00

Random Thoughts.....

1) Tom Kean Jr. has a really annoying voice.
2) Everyone should watch passenger 57. Wesley Snipes kicks someone right in the face. It looks really cool.
3) When does Republicans+correlation+tax cuts=caused economic growth
4)I don't do IR stuff anymore, but whoever gets control of the presidency in a few years is going to get a really complicated mess that everyone assumes has easy answers.
5) I WANT TO GO SKIING.

I'm Back, Baby

2006-11-02T02:32:00.000-05:00

With a vengeance.

Technically I'm not back, back. I am still in California, where it's warm(ish).
Anyways, after spending some quality time with the fam and the fam's media systems, it has come to my attention that there is an election coming up soon. I had to stop watching TV and reading the newspaper, because they were making me angry.

Here's a fun fact:
The average household in California receives approximately 127 phone calls a day during the two weeks prior to an election (based upon an informal poll completed by me using information provided by me and the fam) . Of those 127 phones calls, approximately 125.8 are pre-recorded political advertisement. Of those 125.8 pre-recorded advertisements, approximately 98.6 of them are from Governor Schwarzeneggar [sic?]. Oh, and did you know that his Democratic challenger Phil Angelides [also sic] wants to raise taxes? By 18 billion dollars? Per Californian? To pay for money for the processing of babies into food?

That's what I've learned. I now consider myself well-informed--relatively speaking.

Here's my favorite set of statistics [I'm sure there's a term for that] from a poll:

70% of Americans think it's time to elect new members to Congress.
However, 46% of Americans think their OWN member of Congress deserves to be reelected (vs. 44% who think it's time for a change).

From the Times.

This just in: 100% of people are dumb.

2006-11-01T21:20:00.000-05:00

Two Websites Everyone Should Know About

2006-10-19T16:47:00.000-04:00

Ugh, I can't find a wedding invitation and it has the wedding gift registry info on it.

And, the wedding is in two weeks, so it's hard to call the "lucky" couple and ask them what weird hippie place they registered at (and, yes, they DID have solar-power generators and special "compost" mulchers on their registry list). But, here are some google searches that will NOT help you locate the website:

"Wedding registry economically friendly"

"Wedding registration sustainable living"

"dirty hippie registration place power marriage solar"

As long as we're [not] on the subject, here are TWO websites everyone should have bookmarked:

Link #1
(I like #15).

Link #2
(Yes, that's George Washington in the foreground).

Just felt like sharing.

It's All Downhill from Here, People

2006-10-12T18:46:00.000-04:00

Just now, it occurred to me that humankind reached its musical highpoint in 1986.

Why 1986? You ask, oh faithful readers...

Well, that's when Nintendo released The Legend of Zelda. The opening theme is the obvious culmination of everything musical in the history of humanity: the first throaty grunt, the first clapping hand, the first hammer smacked against an enemy's skull, the musical scales, the High Baroque period, the mathematical certainty of the computing age, the gutsy artisanship of the major Euro/American studios in the late 1970's, Styx... it all lead to this single, monumental achievement in composition.

You know what this means, right? Civilization peaked 20 years ago. It's all downhill from here--or, more properly, it's all downhill from 20 years ago.

But, you retort, oh gentle companions, what about other forms of art? Sure, you continue, it's indisputable that no other work of music surpasses the sublimity of Zelda's overworld theme, but there is still film, other forms of fine art, and literature, right?

Ha.
HA! I say. Fine art has been in the toilet since the Pre-Postmodern Dadaism began wreaking havoc in museums and galleries throughout the world, spitting out its surprisingly pretentious monosyllabic declarations.

And literature? Name ONE book or poem that has come out since How to Win Friends and Influence People that has come even CLOSE to that earth-shattering work. (Okay, okay,
Why We Want You to be Rich: Two Men - One Message, isn't bad, but still.).

And film? Are you serious? Pfft. I'm not gonna even deal with that.

Science is no better. Democracy? Not real--never was. Philosophy? Hey, look, have you ever been to a philosophy class at a university? It's more of a study in being obnoxious, and, look, no one's gonna do that better than Urkel, so no help there. Economics? Oh, fuck you, the study of rich people getting richer? Yeah, sounds REAL worthwhile.

It's chutes and ladders folks, and we've run out of ladders.
And now I gotta go make dinner.

The Republicans are Still Better at It (and That's What Matters)

2006-10-09T14:53:00.000-04:00

Vice President Dick Cheney is out rounding up the faithful and raising money for the imminent mid-term elections.

He's good at it. His general approval rating is something like 34%. So? He's way better at revving up the base than Democrats generally. Check out this quote from a random fundraiser for a random Congressional Republican:

"If we follow Congressman Murtha's (Democrat/Enemy) advice and withdraw from Iraq the same way we withdrew from Beirut in 1983 and Somalia in 1993, all we will do is validate the al-Qaeda strategy and invite even more terrorist attacks."

This is good politicking. It's not dumbed down (in a noticeable way) yet it's easy to understand. It's got a clear messsage: Vote for Demoracts--or even support democratic ideals--and the terrorists win. It's specific: Opponent offering advice is named, two specific instances are drawn from recent and comparable history, and the mechanism of the terrorists winning is defined. Analytically put, Cheney claims: 1) The Democrat position of withdrawal is analagous to these two previous instances; 2) (implicit) in these two previous instances, the withdrawal spurred on additional attackes; 3) The Democrat position will therefore probably lead to additional attacks by terrorists; therefore 4) A vote for the Democrats is a pro-terrorist vote.

God that's good. He even uses "we" instead of "them." Sure, a lot of people might not trust Dick, but enough trust him for a good get-out-the-vote scheme. And, when we are all making our hueristic decisions come election day, you can be sure that his straightforward, analytical, not resorting (obviously) to lowest common denominator approach will swing some swing voters. So what if he might be wrong? 1) No one is gonna check, and 2) If they do, well, whether or not the withdrawal's spurred additional attacks is a matter of educated opinion, isn't it?

And, he's tapping into fear--a powerful emotion. And he's doing it, not so much like a dumbass politico or a tabloid or a commercial for Hershey's Chocolate asmuchas an assistant professor, or one of those old white guys on the History Channel.

Now check out the witty rejoinder from a whole cadre of Democratic Senators:

"Instead of ranting and raving on the campaign trail, Bush and Cheney should spend their time on the trail of Osama bin Laden."

Dumbasses. Does anyone really believe they aren't hunting Osama Bin Laden? More to the point, does anyone have proof that they aren't? People are gonna read this and say "Of course they are hunting Osama, why wouldn't they?" Jackasses. It's so general, it so hackney. It smacks of tabloidism--maybe that's unfair, at least the tabloids are creative (Hello! BatBoy?). If you are going to manipulate someone because you don't have respect for their intelligence, don't make it so obvious that you don't have respect for their intelligence. That's a key difference between the wannabe Plutocratic Democrats and the Republicans. Try walking up to some shmoe on the street and telling him you know better than he does. Here's the reaction to expect, Senator: "So you went to Harvard Law, so fucking what? I'm an adult and I'll do what I want; I'm capable of making decisions."

The Republicans have a good mix of people who believe that the common man is capable of making decisions and people who can fake that they believe that the common man is capable of making decisions. Maybe if the Democrats learn about this they won't keep failing to capitalize on elections that are handed to them. (And I'm watching this one, so don't fuck it up).

quotes from: the post.

2006-10-07T02:58:00.000-04:00

Blind guy uses echoes to navigate.

Loosey Who?

2006-10-06T17:26:00.000-04:00

You know how there's that loosey guy? That guy that will sell you one cigarette instead of like, a whole pack of cigarettes? No?

Okay, well in a lot of the more...urban or pre-gentrified neighborhoods in NYC, there's always some guy, either on a street corner or in a bodega, who will sell you a single cigarette for like 25 cents. Sure, it's more than the proportionate price per cigarette if you buy a whole pack--and you don't know where that cigarette has been--but it's just so useful (not that I smoke). It's the ultimate convenience.

So, I was thinking, wouldn't it be nice if there were other loosey guys as well?

Like a guy who will sell you one hot dog bun for 35 cents. Wouldn't that be great? How many times do you need like one or two hot dog buns and have to buy a whole pack? It's crazy! It happens like, all the time, like, to everyone.

Or a guy who will sell you a single bullet. You don't need a whole box of bullets when you are gonna kill someone--just one, unless you're a really bad shot. And bullets are expensive! Just think about it: Big E. is all up in your grill, macking on your ho, and you go to pull out your piece and BAM: no bullets. Isn't that the worst? Imagine the convenience of being able to get one hollow point bullet for $1.65 on the street right out in front of the club on a Saturday night!

What about a guy that would sell you like one tire? Doesn't it suck to have to buy 4 new tires each time you get a flat? I always thought that was lame. We could really use a loosey tire guy on the side of the interstate! "Buy a tire!" he'd say, "Only $65!" Wow. That would be the best.

Blogging for Blogging's Sake

2006-10-04T10:44:00.000-04:00

I don't think I have really bought in to the whole blogging thing. Some people can blog everyday--half the people who live in my house do--but I can't. Is it self-censorship? Maybe. If it is, it's a knowing kind that isn't necessarily bad.

Here's an important point lost on most of the blogger/myspace generation:

Not everyone cares what you have to say. In fact, you can be sure that most people don't.

Not that most individuals don't already know that, but in some part of their psyche they might not believe it.

Not that the whole internet connectivity thing is socially bad--it's not. The ability to reconnect with old friends and meet new friends without regard to geographic boundaries is an important and valuable thing. However, considering that our society is already so self-obsessed, the last thing it seems like each of us needs is a little internet shrine to ourselves. We engage in constant celebrity worship: Authors, movie stars, athletes, politicians, muppets, etc. The act of voyeurism is essentially enjoying vicarious experience. People worship art-rock trash indie rock bands in part because we want to be the singer, or the guitarist, or something (but usually not the guy who plays bass/keyboards--he wants to be the guitarist, too). We crave a human connection with those individuals not because we want to know them (because we think we do know them from their "art" or whatever else), but because we want them to know us.

There's nothing wrong with self-expression per se--and human connection requires self-expression, in part. But I feel that the blog thing allows an individual to engage in unmitigated self-promotion, like it's your own private billboard, and as if the line between self-expression and advertising is completely blurred. While there may be something cathartic about it, I think that one of the main problems with human beings is their self-centeredness, and this trend really only seems to magnify it.

But maybe I'm missing the point?

2006-10-03T13:06:00.000-04:00

The Ohio Supreme Court: Justices for Sale?
Posted by Peter Lattman

ohioA few weeks back the New York Times penned an editorial lamenting judicial elections and the skyrocketing amounts of money being spent on these races. Little did we know it foreshadowed Sunday’s 4,700-word stunner on the Ohio Supreme Court. An NYT investigation found that the Buckeye State’s justices routinely heard cases after receiving campaign contributions from the parties involved or from groups that filed supporting briefs. On average, they voted in favor of contributors 70 percent of the time.

Even sitting justices in Ohio question the current system. “I never felt so much like a hooker down by the bus station in any race I’ve ever been in as I did in a judicial race,” said Justice Paul Pfeifer. “Everyone interested in contributing has very specific interests.” Of the special interests, Justice Pfeifer says: “They mean to be buying a vote . . . Whether they succeed or not, it’s hard to say.”

Chief Justice Thomas Moyer also admits to flaws in the election process. “In a perfect world,” he said, “you would have justices being selected not based on the amount of money their campaign committees can raise from various interests, but on their character and record — and somewhat on judicial philosophy, certainly, but in a more abstract way.”
Read more: Judges
Permalink | Trackback URL: http://blogs.wsj.com/law/2006/10/03/the-ohio-supreme-court-justices-for-sale/trackback/

Comments

2006-10-03T12:03:00.000-04:00

An Open Letter to the Australian Chick in the Front Row:

2006-09-28T22:27:00.000-04:00

Shut up. Look, just SHUT - UP.

I am so sick of hearing you self-aggrandize. I don't know WHAT you think you are accomplishing. I can venture to guess that it’s some sort of insecurity issue, and that your actions are the pitiable actions of a human being in search of acceptance. Somewhere, in your torn neuroses, the concept of having 100 students and a very well respected, well-known, and overpaid professor listen to you gets you all hot and bothered. Maybe it makes you feel better about yourself. Nevertheless, I don't care: you bug the shit out of me.

And it's not just me. Trust me. A number of us trade knowing looks whenever you start chattering away. You know, it's not that your points are all that bad--you've actually said a number of intelligent things. But there's something to be said for style, for consideration.

If you don't WANT the rest of us to continue hating you, here's a few maneuvers you should consider dropping from your classroom behavior:

1) Beginning sentences with the words "in Australia..."
Okay. We're not in Australia. The whole comparative law thing is only useful if you are making some type of comparison about the law that informs or alters our understanding of the topic at hand. We know you're from Australia, because we can hear you talking (in fact, that's part of the problem). Secondly, it's not that impressive of a place from which to be. Thirdly, I could give a shit what Australians think about U.S. First Amendment Law.

2) Dropping the line, "well I already did the reading for next week, and..." in the middle of your comment.
You read ahead. Wow: you can read. The professor has a lesson plan, thanks for fucking it up. (P.S.: We know you're an overachiever--it's law school. The secure, lazy individuals stopped running in the educational hamster wheel a long, long time ago, so we're the only ones left.)

3) Interrupting the professor and starting to talk without raising your hand or being called on. First, it's massively disrespectful to everyone in the class and especially the professor. Second, the professor might not want to call on you or let you speak, and, for the good of the class and the others in it, you should consider that the professor might be right. Third, maybe we don't want to hear what you have to say, so you might consider at least following the damn rules so the professor--who is aware that you're overbearing--can at least minimize your negative effects.

I realize this letter may come as a shock. I realize that, considering your obvious insecurities, it would be difficult to affect a graceful, unemotional response to it. So, as an extra incentive, I am adding an additional caveat:

For every minute you spend talking, you owe me--and everyone else in the room who wants in on the deal--$2.06.

Why $2.06? Because I calculated out the cost of our tuition, and we each spend $2.06 per minute of our class time (and if that doesn't shut you up for a minute, I don't know what will). Frankly, lady, you are wasting my time, and you are wasting my money. Stop it, or provide remuneration for your harms.

Love,

Radio

2006-09-26T15:44:00.000-04:00

Jesus help me.

Denzel! DENZEL!

2006-09-24T17:40:00.000-04:00

The Hollywood set has been all up in my grill, as of late. Take, for instance, the movie trailers: All over the fucking place. Are we fortunate enough to have 1970's era MTA buses nearby? Yeah, blocking the entrance to my supermarket. Dunkin' Donuts? Sorry, they didn't have Dunkin' Donuts in Harlem in the 70's, so they threw a tarp over the store front, and hung up a sign saying "Closed for renovations: We're closed, because we care." Pfft. If you cared, I'd still be able to buy a donut and a coffee with 8 sugars.

Oh, and now there's Denzel Washington. Comin' out his trailer so he can be all mobbed by the locals an' shit. Denzel! This is my neighborhood. All the kids in the Ghetto, they look up to me. Quit spitting salt in my game.

I used to be able to roll through in my suit rockin' the aviators and have the kids yell, "Hey man, you're scarin' the neighborhood," and "Sup, sucka, you look like that white guy from Men in Black or something," and "Yo, dude, you wanna buy this DVD of Fight Club? I'll totally hook you up..."

Not anymore. Nope. Suddenly everyone is into "Denzel Washington." In his big trailer parked around the corner. Dammit, Denzel! This is my block. I don't care if you are making another movie where you are some sort of law enforcement officer. Shit! I can't even name a movie when you weren't a cop, or a detective, or a prosecutor, or a police lieutenant.

And you're working with Russel Crowe again? Are you serious? Don't you remember Virtuosity? That movie SUCKED!

So thanks for dropping by, American Gangster, and trying to pretend that my Bed-Stuy neighborhood is 1970's Harlem (like there were black people in Harlem in the 70's! Pfft!).
But you've had your fun, Mr. Ridley Scott, and now it's time to go.

I'm SOOOOOOOO Angry

2006-09-23T21:23:00.000-04:00

An Article By Bobby Kennedy Jr.

Hard Choices Made Easy

2006-09-22T13:58:00.000-04:00

If you ever have the "happy" problem of choosing between two different jobs, lovers, schools, banks that want to give you loans, etc., then I have some advice for you:

Go with the one that give you a gumball machine.

I was trying to choose between several firms, and, after hours of compiling information, taking informal (and formal) opinion polls, watching 1970's Saturday Morning Cartoons, and trying like hell to read my tea leaves, I couldn't tell the difference between them. They were all so similar. So institutionalized. "How would I EVER be able to tell the difference?" I asked myself aloud, visibly exasperated.

Well, my answer came, as answers usually do, via USPS Priority Mail.

The small, brown, paper covered box rattled when I shook it, and with good reason: It was full of gumballs. AND not just gumballs, but a machine by which to dispense them.

Can you get a clearer sign than that?

What Do You Mean She Doesn't Work There?

2006-09-20T22:28:00.000-04:00

So anyways, I did two callback interviews today.

What's a callback interview, you say? Well, after conducting an initial screening interview with a candidate, law firms will "call back" a candidate for a second interview to determine whether they wish to offer said candidate a position. It's a "call back" interview, get it?

Stop me if I'm going too fast...

Anyways, there's a lot of "courteous" formalities that are supposed to occur in the callback interview process. One such formality is the sending of thank you's. Within 24 hours of a callback, you are supposed to send an email to the head of the recruiting team with whom you met (the average callback consists of four or five half-hour interviews with different individuals at the firm), thanking them and their team and the firm for their "time" and telling them that you are still interested in the firm.

So, like I said, I scheduled two today, for a total of five hours worth of interviewing. And, you know, I thought I did really well--the last interviewer with whom I spoke expressed surprise that I was so energetic after having been at his office for two hours. When I explained that he was actually the ninth person who I'd interviewed with that day, his jaw dropped through the floor. He said I must be "high-energy." I thought I was. Like I said, I though I had done really, really well.

Yeah. Well...I sent a thank you note email to firm #1 just a few minutes ago. Here's what it looked like (notice the cool, lawyerly redactions):

XXXX XXXXX
Regional Director of Legal Recruiting
XXXXXX
XXX XX Avenue
New York, NY 1XXX

Dear Ms. XXXX,

Thank you so much for arranging my visit with XXXX today. I greatly appreciated the opportunity to meet with you and other members of your firm.

Please extend my thanks to your colleagues, XXXXXXXXXXXXXX, for taking the time to meet with me, and also to YYYYYYYYY for helping arrange my visit. I particularly enjoyed speaking with members from both the litigation and corporate groups, and I appreciate you accommodating my request in this regard.

I am still very much interested in pursuing a summer position with your firm. Should you or any of your team members require any additional information to assist you as you consider my candidacy, please do not hesitate to contact me at ##### or via email at XXXXX@XXXXX.

Thank you once again, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Okay. Here's what I didn't do really, really well:
#1 -- See where it says "Ms." at the top of the email? Yeah, well, the person I sent the email to was a man. I shit you not. I can't believe I fucked that one up.
#2 -- See that second redacted name, the one that is redacted with "Y's"? Yeah, well, that person doesn't work there. Not at all. She works at the second firm with which I interviewed, but not the first one.

So I fucked up royally. Not that I will ever be in a position to be scheduling two interviews in the same day again, but if I am, then I won't. That's one thing I've learned today.

Pfft.

A Word to the Wise

2006-09-16T15:54:00.000-04:00

So, I'm studying child pornography in class.
Not the pornography itself, so much as the law regarding it.

Just to be clear. :)

Anyways, if any of you really didn't know, child pornography is illegal. (I know, it's shocking). Let me be specific about just how illegal it is. In fact, let's do a one-question pop quiz.

You could be imprisoned for:
a) Making child pornography
b) Distributing child pornpgraphy
c) Purchasing child pornography
d) Receiving child pornography
e) Posessing child pornography
f) Viewing child pornography on an internet browser
g) All of the above

I'm not telling the answer (because I am assuming that no one reading this is that dumb). Child pornography is a major multi-billion dollar industry (unfortunately). Because of the internet, it can be very difficult for law enforcement to find and prosecute enough of the individuals invovled to really do much about the problems (very much like audio file-sharing or pirated DVD's). In response, Congress has passed broad, sweeping legislation that criminalizes a variety of acts (as listed above in our little quiz).

So anyways, after spending six hours of class time talking about all this, a student in my class raised his hand to speak (the gentleman had a thick French accent, but you can pretend with any accent you want). Here's the exchange:

Teacher: "Yes?"
Student: "So I was looking at child porn on the internet--"
Class: "?!?"
Teacher: "Okay, wait."
Student: "What?"
Teacher: "You were looking at child porn on the internet?"
Student: "Yes, I wanted to--"
Teacher: "Don't...don't do that--Everyone? Don't look at child pornography on the internet."
Class: (Laughter)
Student: "But it's real."
Class: (Laughter)
Teacher: "Yes, and that's an especially good reason. Look, for anyone who doesn't know, you can get in a lot of trouble for looking at child pornography."
Student: "But I wanted to see if it was true or if it was a myth. But it's there. And it's so easy to get!"
Class: (Laughter)

Learn from this man, people. It's not long until he's deported. Don't let his deportation be a waste.

Reflections of a closeted Communist

2006-09-14T11:03:00.000-04:00

So I taking a class called tax and social policy. To borrow from Demi Moore's boy toy, the class is totally awesome. Of course, I babble a lot in class. My latest and greatest comment was that no one "deserves" anything they have. For instance, the hard working poor person from rural West Virginia who becomes CEO of a major company does not deserve the fruits of his "labor", because he did nothing to earn his natural endowment of intelligence or his birth in a society with class mobility. Long story short, I was the only student in class who held this belief. The natural conclusion of my belief is that the government should equalize wealth with really high taxes. I am really happy with that conclusion because I was beginning to think that I was losing my soul. Yea!!!!!!!!! 90% top marginal tax rates.

2006-09-11T22:01:00.000-04:00

I miss the lawyering group:)

September 11th

2006-09-11T16:46:00.000-04:00

It's my grandma's birthday.

Torts

2006-09-11T15:15:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I feel good, then I remember Torts.

2006-09-11T15:11:00.000-04:00

Thoughs on law.......

Question:What makes something law?
Answer: Its in a fancy red or black book

Statement: So I think I am going to steal all the gold in Fort Knox and then make up an ex-post moral/legal justification for it. See First 3 Classes of Property law

Refreshingly Brief

2006-09-10T02:16:00.000-04:00

Look Out Defeatocrats! Republicans Develop a Sense of Humour! (?)

2006-09-08T18:34:00.000-04:00

Alright. So the Republican National Convention has found a powerful new weapon in its fight against Dumbocrats. It's even better than their policy of playing with the name of their rival political party, the Spendocrats.

Satirical News.

Look out, folks, the Republicans have had a glass of sherry and/or a bottle of sam adams, and they've come home feeling a bit "randy." After years of being debased by The Daily Show and and now, The Colbert Report, the RNC decided to fight satire with satire, hence their latest spending effort:

America Weakly

Fuck, man. Even the title is clever. It's a newspaper that looks into the future: What would life be like in 2007 if the Democrats won the upcoming election?
Now, as much as I'd love to critically examine the entire (fake) newspaper, I won't
Instead, I'll offer some commentary on a few representative paragraphs, from the news story Democrats: In Charge and Charged Up:

The reality is that despite some setbacks, the entire political landscape has changed. America is radically different than it was just eight months ago. And even outside of Washington, regular Americans are sitting up and taking notice.

Okay, this paragraph is mostly set up and you need it to make sense of the next two. One thing I will say is notice that it refers to "regular Americans". These "regular americans" are from New York and San Francisco. Presumably, the implicit point is that the liberal media would naturally only pull from New York and San Francisco, on account of the vast number of liberal and pinko commies that inhabit each city. Apparently someone thinks this is really funny. Unfortunately, I'm not one of them.

“It’s about time,” Judy Smith-Walker, a New York graphic designer said. “Go into any coffee shop here and you’ll hear people saying the same thing: we finally feel like the government is one we can understand.”

Why is this funny? It's not. But here's why they migh think it's funny:
First of all, she is a graphic designer. Sure, the RNC likes their website and their fake newspapers to look nice, but the people who make them look nice are obviously vegetarian homosexuals. Just like all the other regular americans in New York.
Secondly, no one but a pinko jackass would ever be in a coffee shop, that's for hippies and people who watch Friends. Except for Starbucks, of course. Those $4 crappacinos are sweet.
Thirdly, and I'm not sure about this one, but apparently liberals are idiots. That's why they couldn't understand a republican lead government. I guess.

Stefan, a 28-year-old full time student in San Francisco, agrees, adding that he feels that the Democrats’ priorities more closely match most Americans. “Ask around,” he said. “No one here is talking about a so-called War on Terror or how many dividends corporate America can show."

Now this paragraph is especially hilarious. First, the kid is named "Stefan" so he is probably from Europe, or gay, or both. Secondly, the guy is a 28-year-old full time student, and we all know how education is for losers: He should be married, with eight kids (no birth control, thanks) and should be supporting all those kids running a cash register at WalMart for $6.75 an hour. That's the American Way. Besides, who needs an advanced degree? The Republicans who came up with all this funny stuff average a 6th grade education. Third, notice the lack of understanding about liberal nutjobs revealed in the final sentence: No one is talking about the War on Terror or Corporate America? If they had done their homework, they at least could've had Stefan, the full-time student, say, "Finally, the government isn't using the so-called War on Terror to spy on me while I exercise my constitutional right to look up how-to-build bombs on Wikipedia. And even better, they made corporations illegal! That's great! I buy all my electronics at a farmer's market." See? Still not funny, but at least it doesn't evince a misunderstanding of common stereotypes. I mean, c'mon, that's all this paper has going for it.

Finally, they manage to sneak three stereotypical insults into a single, final, devastatingly clever sentence that would make that big, dead, fag Oscar Wilde, proud:

"We want Washington dealing with real issues, like stopping animal testing, or ending the Cuba embargo, or finally passing a good, Canadian-style health care system.”

Issues trounced:
1) Animal rights -- hey, dumbshit, ever read a bible?
2) Communism -- Uh, hello, we need to keep those Cubans poor, or the Soviets will invade! Plus, it's revenge for them kicking out all our organized crime organizations. Those fuckheads.
3) Health care -- Look, poor people shouldn't have to go to the emergency room to get antibiotics. They have jobs, right? They make $12,000 a year? No? Well they should. A normal family would be able to and that money would cover their health expenses, too...I'm assuming.

Other, funnier issues they could've made fun of:
1) Global warming
2) Raising the federal minimum wage
3) Campagin finance reform

I think a key thing the RNC is missing with this one is that people like Stefan only compromise a small percentage of the Democratic party. And, more likely, us pinko freaks are probably too disenfranchised to really identify much with any particular party. On the other hand, I think middle-aged, middle-class white men make up the majority of the Republican base. They really are at a disadvantage when coming up with funny stereotypes. Plus, they're retarded.

Protecting My Chin

2006-09-06T14:33:00.000-04:00

I haven't shaved in days (no, not my chest, my face. Pfft, I don't even shave my chest--I use wax.)

I look like the unabomber (is that reference too old to be useful, now? Can cultural references get too old? What if I compared myself to an Amos n' Andy character? All the actors were white, you know...).

Okay, this is the internet, right? Let's enjoy some multimedia:

I look like this:

There's something about school that throws off my circadian rhythms, and my facial hair goes all to hell. During the summer, when I had a job, I was clean shaven, I slept regularly, and I had a general concept of myself as a seperate entity who had to maintain his appearance as part of his functioning in society.

Now that I am back in school, I stopped shaving, stopped sleeping, and I clubbed some old lady on the bus earlier this morning, stole her lion skin, and buried her carcass in my cave.

What the fuck?

Haunted by Punk Rock Ghosts

2006-09-03T22:34:00.000-04:00

Whilst ripping CD's onto my laptop, I came across a cultural touchstone from my mispent youth, Plastic Surgery Disasters, by hardcore/punk rock magnates, the Dead Kennedys. After listening absently to the album while reading about property law, it occurred to me that the work was a harsh indictment of the new ambitions born of the last few weeks of my life. I'll get to that in a minute, but first, a little background:

So, at the end of August, I, as well as several hundred of my law school cohorts, suffered, smiled, and schmoozed our way through Early Interview Week (hereafter "EIW"--pronounced "ewwwwww!). During EIW, we sign up for short meetings with recruiters from big-time NYC law firms who threaten to overpay us for 10-12 weeks next summer with the hopes of overpaying and overworking us after we graduate. (For a more in-depth look at EIW, check out this post by classmate and fellow blogger, Man D.).

Here are three key steps of my EIW strategy that are pertinent to the whole indictment thing (I am currently completing Step 1):
1) Resume--Doing my best to overrepresent myself on my paper through careful, uh... interpretation of my legal and scholastic past. Using said resume and an according firm persona to secure a job.
2) Job--(over)work as a highly trained and highly paid legal cog in a large NYC firm which helps exponentially larger corporations exercise their fiduciary responsibilities by representing them in deals and conflicts with the governmental institutions and other large corporations. (Sentence intentionally constructed to imply what it implies).
3) Move--use my likeability (believe it or not) and other social skills to schmooze my way up through the ranks and then transfer to an office in San Francisco and moved to Sausalito, a picturesque, expensive little town in Marin County, north of S.F. proper. Once there, I will use my salary to purchase property, where I will stay and ignore the rest of the world and its depressing problems.

Ironically, these three steps are indicted in three different punk ragers from Plastic Surgery Disasters. What's worse, the order in which the tracks appear on the album corresponds to the chronological order of the three steps. Observe:

From track# 3, Terminal Preppie:

"My ambition in life
Is to look good on paper
All I want is a slot
In some big corporation . . .

Win! Win!
I always play to win
Wanna fit in like a cog
In the faceless machine"

From track #5, Well Paid Scientist:

"Company cocktails, gotta go
Say the right thing
Don't fidget, jockey for position
Be polite
In the pyramid you hate
Sip that scotch
Get that raise
This ain't no party at all

Something is wrong here
You won't find in on a shelf
You're well paid
You're well trained
You're tied to a rack"

From track #14, Moon Over Marin:

"The crowded future stings my eyes
I still find time to exercise
In uniform with two white stripes

Unlock my section of the sand
It's fenced off to the water's edge
I clamp a gasmask on my head

On my beach at night
Bathe in my moonlight

Another tanker's hit the rocks
Abandoned to spill out its guts
The sand is laced with sticky glops

O' Shimmering moonlight sheen upon
The waves and water clogged with oil
White gasses steam up from the soil

I squash dead fish between my toes
Try not to step on any bones
I turn around and I go home

I slip back through my basement door
Switch off all that I own below
Dive in my scalding wooden tub

My own beach at night
Electric Moonlight

There will always be a moon
Over Marin"

Ouch for me? Sure, it's been ten years since I bought Plastic Surgery (maybe someone else bought this particular copy, regardless, I listened to it), but the tale of the tape mirrors my own ambitions too closely for my comfort. Self-fulfilling prophecy or coincidence?

Regardless, it's actually a fantastic album.

Back From Hell (Back in Hell?)

2006-09-02T11:48:00.000-04:00

Okay, despite popular belief¹, I am not dead. Do I wish I was dead? Well, that's another matter and not one particularly suited to a "welcome back" post such as this. Oh, that reminds me:

Welcome back.

During the summer, I enjoyed what individuals on the outside might normally refer to as "being human²." Now that I am back in the legal seminary, it occurs to me how esoteric³ I have become.

My areas of study are esoteric. (One of my last undergraduate courses was "Post-Colonial Studies of Literature in the English Language." Law school has only made me focus more narrowly--hence the upcoming "Advanced Topics in Art Law Seminar"--coming in 2007!)

My jokes are esoteric. (See footnote 2, below, and if you get the reference, you have my sympathies. Here's a hint: Diogenes, Aristotle, and a chicken.).

My conversations are esoteric. (If you don't believe me, ask anybody who has had the, ahem, "privilege" of sitting in on one of my witty exchanges with the young Mr. Portnoi).

My life has become a Monty Python skit, without the zany madcap that made that pre-post-modern television program so culturally palatable to the masses.

We all have our reasons for livingª, and I have decided that mine is based upon the exclusion of other people. Well, lucky for me, exclusion of the masses is a key element of the business of the practice of law. Please consider the following examples:

You are the buyer at a commercial business and you are making a large purchase. According to business customs, you write a contract to ensure that the agreement you have made with the seller (the exchange of money for goods) is binding. To write this contract, you will need the help of a lawyer. To interpret the contract, and protect his own interests, the seller will also need a laywer. Should the seller not send you the goods--despite you sending him the money--you will need a lawyer to help you "enforce" the agreement. In order to carry out the process of litigation, the seller will also need a lawyer. Both parties will submit arguments to a judge, who will interpret the situation with his own team of lawyers and lawyers-in-training and who is, herself, nothing more than a lawyer appointed to a higher post.
Simply put, if you wish to pursue your legal rights, you will, often, need a lawyer to do so. He is your intermediary into the complex world of law, and he gets a cut for everything he does.

This arrangement reminds me of a passage from Leviticus*. THE LORD explains to Moses that about the various "offerings" that must be made whenever a Israelite sins or is guilty of a sin, etc. Essentially, everytime an Israelite screws up, they have to take a healthy animal or animals that they possess and present it to the priests, who then "offer" it to THE LORD by cooking it so that THE LORD may enjoy the "aroma." What do you do after it's cooked? Well, Leviticus 7:7-10 tells us that:

7 "'The same law applies to both the sin offering and the guilt offering: They belong to the priest who makes atonement with them. 8 The priest who offers a burnt offering for anyone may keep its hide for himself. 9 Every grain offering baked in an oven or cooked in a pan or on a griddle belongs to the priest who offers it, 10 and every grain offering, whether mixed with oil or dry, belongs equally to all the sons of Aaron.'"

See also, Leviticus 7:28-34:

"28 The LORD said to Moses, 29 "Say to the Israelites: 'Anyone who brings a fellowship offering to the LORD is to bring part of it as his sacrifice to the LORD. 30 With his own hands he is to bring the offering made to the LORD by fire; he is to bring the fat, together with the breast, and wave the breast before the LORD as a wave offering. 31 The priest shall burn the fat on the altar, but the breast belongs to Aaron and his sons. 32 You are to give the right thigh of your fellowship offerings to the priest as a contribution. 33 The son of Aaron who offers the blood and the fat of the fellowship offering shall have the right thigh as his share. 34 From the fellowship offerings of the Israelites, I have taken the breast that is waved and the thigh that is presented and have given them to Aaron the priest and his sons as their regular share from the Israelites.' "

What a scam.

¹= For the purposes of this post, "popular belief" means the belief of a popular individual or individuals and not a belief held by a large portion of the population unless the individuals composing said portion are, themselves, independently popular.

²= For the purposes of this post, "human" means a featherless biped with flat fingernails.

³= Attention Family Guy fans, for the purposes of this post--and normal human communications--"esoteric" does not mean "delicious."

ª= No we don't, but the statement is a tried--and trite--literary device.

*= How esoteric of me.

Caption Contest

2006-08-31T13:19:00.000-04:00

Write your best caption!

Phoenix

2006-08-29T12:05:00.000-04:00

Let the board live.
Best,
Steve Nash

One Week at Housing Court and Counting

2006-06-03T15:19:00.000-04:00

Actually, it was only four days.

Actually, I only spent a total of about three hours in court over those four days.

And, actually, it's hardly a court.

But, if you ever want to get a first hand look at the dregs of the legal system, I highly recommend it.

I just started my Summer legal intern position at a local legal services corporation providing legal assistance to individuals too poor to afford it.

Some realities of the Brooklyn Housing Court:
1) Almost none of the tenants, who are usually the defendants, have lawyers.
2) Nearly all of the landlords, who are usually suing to evict, do.
3) Most of those landlord lawyers live in the housing court, occupying stuffy little fourth floor "common rooms" with their massive, poorly dressed, greasy haired, two cellphones having, four paralegals terrorizing, stipulation sheet writing, unholy presence.
4) A lot of the judges don't really know what they are doing and don't seem to give a shit.
5) Can you appeal? Sure. But the higher courts aren't gonna listen, because they just don't have the time or the inclination to hear about every individual who is getting thrown out of their house so that the landlord can get a "Fair Market Value" that places the annual rent in excess of the annual income of the average United States citizen.
6) The merits of your argument will often go unnoticed.
7) The best strategy appears to be to threaten to lawyer circles around the landlord's counsel and hope they give you a good settlement.

Welcome to the shadow world of Administrative law. We've all seen courtroom dramas, but 95% of what happens, legally speaking, to normal people happens in a courtroom like this.

This Just In: Talking Vegetables Attacked While Attending Minor League Sporting Event

2006-06-01T23:17:00.000-04:00

(Above: Tom Cruise, left, teaches Rob Lowe, right, about Scientology in the upcoming Mission Impossible 4: Mission? Make Tom Cruise Not Crazy. No, I'm kidding. They're actually just messengers from God.)

By Craig "What the hell am I doing in housing court?" Bolton (Unassociated Press)
Camden, N.J.--During the Seventh Inning stretch at a Riversharks game, Camden's own AA minor league baseball team, fans were treated to a special surprise. Talking vegetables, possibly from another planet, descended upon the stadium in a mission of peace. Their goal? To save the audience from the impending doom of eternal damnation.

Unfortunately, swarms of hungry children barged their way onto the field, intent on defending their planet--and their sinful, laviscious ways. The ensuing battle lasted for nearly 18 minutes, according to some witnesses. There were no survivors.

Seriously, though, talking vegetables? What gives?
Well, it seems that Christianity, long touted by Machiavellians for its ideological maleability and dependable superstructure, has provided Minor League baseball teams across the nation with a much needed boost in attendance.

Much like "Free Bat Night" or "Severely Reduced Priced Taco Saturdays," "Faith Nights" are a new promotional tool, wherein Christian organizations receive discounted tickets. In exchange, the Christian machinery, with its fleet of buses and well established communication network, "put fannies in the seats," as one Tomato said (unpictured).

It's good to see that sports promoters have learned, like the Republican Party before them, that American Christians are easily manipulated, turn out in dependably large numbers, and do what they are asked to do without a lot of questions and such (My apologies to the hundreds of millions of American Christians out there, but obviously some of you fit this description neatly).

Interested? Read more, here.

An Excerpt

2006-05-26T15:06:00.000-04:00

directly qouted from Hawkings Pleas of the Crown, circa. 1771 ( f sometimes = s, tried to keep the charm of the original as much as possible):

C H A P. III.

Of Witchcraft

Sect. I Of offenders of this Nature there are faid to be three Kinds,
1. Conjurors, who by Force of certain Magick Words endeavor to raife the Devil, and compel him to execute their Commands.
2. Witches, who by way of friendly Conferences are faid to bargain with an evil Spirit to do what they defire of him.
3. Sorcerers or Charmers, who by the Ufe of certain fuperftitious Forms of Words, or by Means of Images, or other odd Reprefentations of Perfons or Things, &c. are faid to produce ftrange Effects above the ordinary Courfe of Nature.

Which type are you?

What the Hell am I Doing in the Library?

2006-05-26T12:58:00.000-04:00

Part-time research assistant.

Regardless, here's a line from one of the books I am reading (the pages of which are, in fact, older than our country, though it has a binding on it that is slightly less than a hundred years old):

"Concerning the apprehending and arrefting of felons and traitors by private perfons, and efcapes."

The book is approximately two feet long, one foot wide, six inches thick, and weighs 85 pounds.

I Have an Idea

2006-05-23T15:39:00.000-04:00

I just read this article in the Washington Post calling for all women to begin acting like they are pregnant in order to protect the health of the pretend baby they are carrying. The article focuses on new federal guidelines that call for "preconception care," a combination of nutritional and behavoiral practices intended to decrease the U.S.'s abominably high infant mortality rate.

Do you smoke? Well stop it--you could become pregnant and it would be bad for the fetus.
Alcohol? Sorry, same deal.
Not currently taking folic acid supplements? Jesus, haven't you been paying attention?! YOU COULD BECOME PREGNANT!

I don't care that you are a militant lesbian--almost half the births in this country are accidental. That means that you have a 50% chance of becoming pregnant in the next week and a half regardless of your sexual orientation or activities.

Danger to the imaginary infant takes many forms--workplace hazards, socioeconomic pressures, vegetarians, Marxism, and UnAmerican Thoughts and Ideas.

Look, people, this is a war--a war against infant mortality. We have to make sacrifices.
Our country's baby factories aren't producing properly, and dammit, someone has to do something about it.

I applaud the brave members of the federal government for their progressive new idea, and I must admit that I am suprised that the Republican controlled government would so readily push for such an obviously feminist idea. But why stop at nutrition? Why just argue against drinking alcohol? If we really want to minimize risks, we will make it illegal for the fair sex to work outside the home. Scratch that--let's make it illegal for them to leave the home.

The less external stimuli, the safer our non-existent babies are gonna be.
I bet that if you look up the beginings of the rise in infant mortality rates, it will correspond clearly to when women begain working outside the homes, marriages were no longer arranged, and the Supreme Court rejected Jesus Christ as the country's National Personal Saviour by ruling that laws against contraception were unconstitutional in Griswold v. Connecticut.

2006-05-23T11:17:00.000-04:00

A little Skit...

Sam:Hola A-Rod. Como se dice "clutch hit" en espanol?
A-Rod:Yo no se.
Sam: Por su puesto.

Stay Tuned...

2006-05-21T23:34:00.000-04:00

Subpoena This version 1.01
coming soon...

Actually, I have no idea how the numbering works on versions.

My web browser is v.1.7.12. That's really slightly more impressive than 1.01.

Okay, check it:

Subpoena This v.1.00.01.00.012
coming soon...

Nah, that sucks, too. Screw it.
Check back in like, a week, week and a half tops, for a reenergized blog.

2006-05-20T19:33:00.000-04:00

So dark is the con called Billy Wagner.

Ethics Committee to Investigate the Baby Jesus

2006-05-19T14:56:00.000-04:00

Drew Saunders, a Democratic state Rep. in North Carolina opposes a reporting requirement for gifts above $200.

"Even baby Jesus accepted gifts and I don't believe it corrupted him."

Or did it?

Yay! We Won! We Won!

2006-05-19T08:57:00.000-04:00

What's schmutz and why is there a "c" in it?

Regardless, consumer transit groups have release the latest results of their regular Subway Schmutz test. And the winner of the dirtiest subway line award?

The E train. Okay, well, that doesn't count. Check out the M, a close second with only 4% of its cars being clean. That's right, 4%. Following the M at a respectable third? The J/Z, at 17%. That's right, my own little JayMizZle is officially the most ghetto line in the city.

Worse than the G? Are you kidding? The G is rated at 49%. Even if you add the J, Z, and M together (and the Z is barely its own train), that's only 38%. If you do the fair thing and average them, it works out to something like 12.667%, and that's just terrible.

The A, C, E? Well, except for the E, they're pretty damn clean, at 53% and 43% respectively. Besides, the J/Z drop 54% in cleanliness this year--54%. Jesus, that's ghetto.

What about the L? Doesn't that go to Bushwick? Well, it might be dirtier when you get off the train, but at 61% clean, at least you won't have a stain on your pants or have developed a staph infection from touching the interior of the car.

I remember two moments of awe that I experienced during my first visit to new york:

1) While circling the city in the plane just after sunrise as we prepared to land: "Wow, it's huge."
2) While waiting for the F train at Houston: "My god, it's so fucking filthy."

Worst Direct Mail Piece Ever

2006-05-18T13:39:00.000-04:00

Monday haiku

2006-05-15T16:25:00.000-04:00

Playa Yelapa--
On Tuesday, I will drink rum
from a coconut.

Summer...What's That?

2006-05-11T13:43:00.000-04:00

It's been years since I've had a summer vacation. Not that I'm getting one now, but I just thought I'd throw that out there.

We've officially completed our first year of law school--yay for us. Here are a few choice quotes from last night that basically sum it all up (I'll keep them anonymous, but you kids know who you are):

"Dude, I'll erase this picture for $20."

"Law school ruined my life."

"No, you already got a drink ticket."

"This is the most watered down shit I have ever drank."

"Ohmygod, there's a line for the roof."

"Not bad for a white girl."

"You? You're an ESTP. I could be wrong about that..."

"You need to teach BLANK your spin move, he could add it to his repertoire."

"Okay, I'm never dancing for you again. You said I looked retarded."

"Look, I went into the SBA and told them that we should spend all the money on the bar tab. Get this: $600 for the lunch "study" break on Monday. What would law students rather have, $600 worth of bagels or one more drink for every 1L?"

"Dude, there was a study break on Monday?"

"I'm trying to drink myself normal."

"Let's make a bet--whoever loses has to shave their head? Yeah? Okay, okay, if I win, you don't bleach your hair or cut it for like... a year."

"Do you realized that they're are movies based on how hard it is to accomplish what we just accomplished? What we just went through? I'm gonna rent The Paper Chase and watch it, and laugh."

"Congratulations."

2006-05-09T23:55:00.000-04:00

Game

Stupid Columbia

2006-05-08T00:25:00.000-04:00

Just thought you might need to see this. As found in the dormitory named for the first Chief Justice of the Supreme Court and co-writer of the Federalist Papers.

A Better Way to Take a Final Exam

2006-05-06T00:15:00.000-04:00

1) Get up at 7:45 a.m.
2) Catch the train at 8.
3) Have a fruit smoothie and a muffin (combined calories = 1186).
4) Feel that sensation in your stomach? It's the process of digestion. Food's a good idea, yeah?
5) Coffee is for sqaures, man.
6) Print out your test file--what's this: three questions and only one page long? 2400 word limit? 8 hours? Awesome.
7) Spend two hours outlining and then two hours typing.
8) Break for lunch--bring some scratch paper and your hefty test question printout.
9) Brainstorm while you enjoy your grilled cheese sandwhich ("You want bacon?" "No, no bacon." "Are you sure? Ham?" "No, thank you, just cheese." "Just cheese?" "Just cheese." "Are you sure." "No, I'm retarded." "Okay, just cheese." "Thank you, God").
10) Wait, what's this, answer two bullshit questions of your choice? Fantastic! I majored in bullshit as an undergrad.
11) Laugh.
12) Spend two more hours outlining and two more hours typing.
13) God, I feel amazing--B+ here I come.
14) Upload your exam file two minutes late ("Don't worry," says Mandy, "you get a ten minute grace period." "Sweet.")
15) Drink yourself drunk (much faster than drinking yourself normal).
16) Go home and actually relax.
17) Blog.

How to Take a Final Exam

2006-05-02T16:38:00.000-04:00

1) Get up at 7:00 a.m.
2) Feel that pain in your stomach? That's a common reaction to excess adrenaline. Having evolved over eons to deal with "fight or flight" situations, the sympathetic nervous system isn't adapted well to grueling 8-hour take-home exams. Just get used to feeling like you are gonna throw up.
3) Drink Coffee and/or take some cold medicine--and make sure the active ingredient is "pseudophedrine."
4) Get to the lounge two minutes to 8 o'clock.
5) Find out that the "Free Coffee and Donutes from 8 to 10" are provided on a first come first serve basis.
6) Accept the fact that there are no more free donuts and very little coffee.
7) Download your exam file, print it out, find yourself a nice spot in the library/your dorm room/bedroom/prison cell, and settle in.
8) Spend the next hour and seventeen minutes "outlining" (read: spacing out).
9) Search the outline you downloaded from the Student Bar Association's website using Ctrl+F.
10) Search Term: "Constitution"
11) Spend two hours and twenty-eight minutes issue spottting, conceptualzing and actually outlining.
12) Get some more coffee/speed.
13) Bathroom break--be careful not to look in the mirror, you haven't properly groomed yourself in weeks.
14) Sit back down and spend thirty-five minutes typing up your answer.
15) Realize that you have just found at least four intentional and five unintentional tort claims in your admin test.
16) Cry.
17) Feel that pain in your lower back? It's mostly from the chair, but don't forget about your kidneys, they probably hurt, too--filtering out all that adrenaline can be taxing (and God knows that all the ephedrine/caffeine has effectively supressed your parasympathetic nervous system from properly reacting and lowering your adrenal levels).
18) Freak the fuck out.
19) Upload your exam six minutes late.
20) Drink yourself normal (careful, this could take years).
21) Go home and watch Apocalypse Now! to help yourself relax.
22) Stay up until 3 a.m., marveling at how effectively your adrenal system can counter the effects of voluminous amounts of vodka, beer, and generic Nyquil.
23) Philosophically and subconsciously dissect the charade of human existence, while playing "Tetris" on your laptop until 4:23 a.m.
24) Try to sleep.
25) Get up at 5:13 a.m. and do push-ups for forty-seven minutes straight.
26) Pass out.
27) Repeat steps 1-26 as necessary.

Big up

2006-04-30T20:36:00.000-04:00

http://www.abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory?id=1907947

Big up....

Same-Sex Marriage in Indiana

2006-04-25T15:25:00.000-04:00

Mike Sodrel (R-IN) "won the razor-close race" for his seat by riding on President Bush's coattails. Now that the president's popularity has reached a new low, what does Mike think about the pres?

"My attitude is, he is my president," Mr. Sodrel continued. "My wife and I have been married 38 years and we don't agree all the time. When there are things we don't agree on, I tell him so. But I am happy to have him come in here and stump for our campaign

2006-04-23T16:37:00.000-04:00

Double the Pleasure, Double the Sam Roe.

http://www.thesurrealist.co.uk/slogan.cgi

Guest Blogger Noah Feldman: My Universal Lesson Plan

2006-04-23T14:01:00.000-04:00

1. Ask provocative question.
2. Improvise--you're brilliant.

[With apologies to general readers, this post is just for those cramming for finals at N.Y.U. Law School.]

Moment of Zen

2006-04-21T14:29:00.000-04:00

2006-04-18T14:35:00.000-04:00

Here is a funny article about the Supreme Court.

Chief Justice John Roberts told lawyer Theodore Olson in a recent dispute over municipal tax exemptions, "If the argument is that the claims ... can be piggybacked onto the other ones, then we do have to consider whether there's a pig to piggyback them onto."

"Yes," Olson said, "but that would ... allow the tail to wag the dog, the exception to swallow the rule."

2006-04-17T12:21:00.000-04:00

Taken from a friend's blog....

Bunnies doing Reservoir Dogs. Bunnies doing Reservoir Dogs in 30 Seconds. viewer discretion is advised

Also, Bunnies doing Reservoir Dogs in 30 Seconds, the EDITED version.

Caption Contest

2006-04-17T10:48:00.000-04:00

2006-04-14T18:19:00.000-04:00

16 States Impose iTunes Tax

CNET News reports that 15 states and the District of Columbia impose iTunes taxes -- taxes on digital purchases of songs and movies:

Alabama
Arizona
Colorado
Hawaii
Idaho
Indiana
Kentucky
Louisiana
Maine
New Mexico
South Dakota
Texas
Utah
Washington
West Virginia
Washington, D.C.

-----------------------------

Bull-crap

DAMN YOU NYU ITS!

2006-04-13T12:19:00.000-04:00

Those NYU Law students among you will probably agree with me that there are numerous annoying problems with the school's technical services: bad connectivity in the library, annoying downloads and examsoft updates, participant trackers that don't actually track your participation in such a way as to be useful (that reminds me, DAMN YOU PILC!), various internet based applications that are glitchy and slow, and tech nerds that don't seem to know or care what is going on.

So, presented with the annual survey on the ITS service (or, to be more specific, the wireless network aspects of ITS) I saw an opportunity to provide some constructive criticism.
After all, that's what these evaluative surveys are all about, right?

Ha.

After spending several minutes carefully crafting my answers and offering honest opinions, I found that I could not submit my survey. "____ is a required field" it says.

I went back, double checked the field, noted it was filled out, and clicked "Submit" a second time. Nope--same error.

I erased my answer, typed it in anew, and clicked "Submit" again. Ha! Why would it be that easy?

I logged out of the ITS system, then logged back in and redid the entire survey. I clicked "Submit" and still, my survey was rejected.

Very crafty you tech nerds. It would seem that the ITS's (lack of) expertise has completely insulated them from criticism. As the sole organization in charge of surveys, they hold all the cards, and apparantly, are much too smart (read: inept) to open themselves up to evaluation.

You win this round, ITS.

And that's just for starters...

2006-04-12T22:09:00.000-04:00

Julie Lynn Wolff knows how to write an effective brief:

In 76,235 words, rambling and ranting over the opening brief’s 202 pages, appellant’s counsel has managed to violate rules of court; ignore standards of
review; misrepresent the record; base arguments on matters not in the record on
appeal; fail to support arguments with any meaningful analysis and citation to
authority; raise an issue that is not cognizable in an appeal by her client;
unjustly challenge the integrity of the opposing party; make a contemptuous
attack on the trial judge; and present claims of error in other ways that are
contrary to common sense notions of effective appellate advocacy--for example,
gratuitously and wrongly insulting her client’s daughter (the minor in this
case) by, among other things, stating the girl’s developmental disabilities make her "more akin to broccoli" and belittling her complaints of sexual molestation by characterizing them as various "versions of her story, worthy of the Goosebumps series for children, with which to titillate her audience."

The Hits Just Keep on Coming!

2006-04-12T13:21:00.000-04:00

Build up to war?

Check it out.

A news story from the Drudge Report.

A Google "Glitch" ?

2006-04-11T22:07:00.000-04:00

If you go to google.com, and type "failure" into the search query box and then press the "I'm feeling lucky" button, you will end up...

here. (<-- Make sure to click the link, kids!)

Ha!

They will probably "fix it" soon, but I tried it and it worked, and they can't take that away from me.

OUTLaw

2006-04-11T16:53:00.000-04:00

The following is from just released reports of the Department of Defense:

This TALON report is not fully evaluated information. The information in the TALON report is not be used in any finished product withou the specific approval of Command HQ. This information is being provided only to alert commanders and staff to potential terrorist activity.

The report then includes an e-mail sent out to the OUTLaws indicating their plan to protest in Furman lobby during JAG recruitment.

The term "OutLaws" is not defined in the posting. [Source blacked out] is concerned that this is a security issue. Specifically the term "OUTLaws" is a backhanded way of saying it's all right to commit possible violence and serve as "vigilantes" during the symposium. Therefore, it is possible that physical harm, or vandalism, could occur at this event.

Then the following "Update" was added to the report:

Per a US Army Counterintelligence Agent...the term "OUTLaws" may refer to members of the gay community that are now 'out' in the open that are studying at law schools. Moreover, per the original source there is almost nothing about the term "OUTLaws" available with conventional Internet search engines. It is not clear, if this is an organized group or if it is a term for gay law students. However, the source believes there is still a potential for confrontation at NYU.

The actual report is here. Skip down to p. 11, which, appropriately, is upside down.

Yale's Most Wanted

2006-04-11T16:29:00.000-04:00

If you see the following candidates for the Yale College Council, report to Yale Campus Security. They have all been cited for violations of the Council's Election Rules:

Presidential candidate Wells O'Byrne, '07, sent e-mails regarding the election to "acquaintances" but not students that he "knows personally." His e-mail privileges for the remainder of the election have been revoked.
Presidential candidate Larry Wise '07 has turned himself in, and is no longer at large. Wise used $60 from his "innovative spending budget" for his "flyer budget." He has been forced to surrender 50 posters, not bearing the requisite stamp, and is forbidden from making posters for the rest of the campaign. Wise's case is on appeal. Wise claims that because the flyers were slipped under students' doors they were not "posters," as was intended by the Election Committee Regulations.
Presidential candidate Emery Choi '07 was cited because one of his supporters, without Choi's knowledge sent out an unsolicited endorsement e-mail. Moreover, Choi had set up a facebook.com group, in clear contravention of the election rules.
UOFC Chair candidate Ned Mitchell '09, who had been endorsed by the African American Students Association, wrongly claimed to have been endorsed by one of the Association's subcommittees.
Presidential candidate Bill Fishel '08 has been cited for postering in dormitory entryways (as opposed to doorways), and has been compelled to remove said posters.
Funding Committee Chair candidate Hassan Siddiq '07 has been fined $5 for "accidentally" sending an e-mail to a "panlist." "It was never meant to be sent, and the TCC has officially forgiven me for this mistake."
Presidential candidate Stephen Fedele '07 committed the most egregious violation of all. In his candidacy petition, he submitted 101 signatures, as opposed to the 100 required. He has been fined $2.

Current Council President Steven Syverund has urged candidates to clean up their acts. "It's a student government election." They should be held to a higher level of ethics, he noted, continuing that candidates "remember that they are not running for Congress."

Syverund is a recovering election rule violator. Last year he was penalized for submitting his some paperwork late. He was penalized with a reduction in spending limits.

Tales from the IM Window...

2006-04-11T15:37:00.000-04:00

[15:35] Red Owl: The first pitch of the Washington Nationals' second season at Robert F. Kennedy Memorial Stadium was low and away, bouncing in the dirt before being scooped up by catcher Brian Schneider.

For that, Vice President Cheney received a round of boos from the home crowd this afternoon.

[15:35] The Bee: at least he didn't hit the catcher in the face

Dropping a REAL Bomb

2006-04-10T16:09:00.000-04:00

A quote from a New Yorker article:

A government consultant with close ties to the civilian leadership in the Pentagon said that Bush was “absolutely convinced that Iran is going to get the bomb” if it is not stopped. He said that the President believes that he must do “what no Democrat or Republican, if elected in the future, would have the courage to do,” and “that saving Iran is going to be his legacy.”

Wow. Hey, who's ready for another war?

I wonder if Bush is right in thinking that history will vindicate him after he invades Iran. I don't envy the task of any future historian who attempts it. After Iraq, I mean, who would?

And for that matter, will he be vindicated in invading Iraq?
And if he was, what would that mean for all of our collective world views?

Regardless, the idea the Bush is ready--no, not ready, actually think that it is his duty--to invade Iran scares the shit out of me.

I wish I had a joke to make.

2006-04-10T09:38:00.000-04:00

Dropping the H-bomb

2006-04-07T19:53:00.000-04:00

So the commies in Taxachusetts are at it again. Pending approval by Mitt Romney, everyone in my favorite state will have health coverage. What about the inefficiencies created and what about fundamental issues of choice. What if as a healthy 25 year old male I feel that I don't need health care? What about the current policy holders who will have to pay higher premiums? What about the aforementioned is the dumbest crap I've ever heard. Thank God for Massachusetts and thank God for universal health care.

Why I'm Not Asleep

2006-04-07T01:54:00.000-04:00

Well, it's official--something in our apartment building was on fire.
Now it's not.

God bless the FDNY.

So, it's 1:15 AM, and I hear a smoke alarm going off in one of the other apartments; the alarms in our building are characteristically sensitive, so this is usual, though annoying.

I pull the covers over my head to muffle the noise. The beep is persistent, though less cutting.

1:25, and the alarm is STILL going off. I get up, and shut the bedroom door.

1:30. Hmmm...maybe there's a problem?

1:32. I put on pants and wander up stairs. I don't see any smoke, but, as I get close to the 4th floor, I start to smell the faintest whiffs of it.

1:35, and I am back in our apartment recruiting Des and her sniffer. A few moments later, Des confirms that the hallway smells, "stinky." This is not helpful--our hallways are often stinky.
Des reconsiders, and then decides that hallway is in fact, "stinkier than normal."

1:38, a neighbor emerges from the OTHER 4th floor apartment (the one that is not on fire), and we take turns pounding on the suspect door and ringing the door bell.

1:40, while our upstairs neighbor continues to pound on the door, I call 9-1-1 and enlist the help of our local firefighters.

1:42, the local FDNY shows up (damn that was fast! I barely had time to get downstairs). A four man team walks up, bangs on the door and rings the door bell for another two or three minutes, the ever-beeping alarm continuing its persistent monophonic tune, and then decide to take action.

1:45, the FDNY breaks down my neighbor's door. They work on it for about two or three minutes, alternating with axes and prybars ("Damn, that's a good lock" our non-fire neighbor Calvin says) before it happens.

1:48, a woman, from inside the apartment that is on fire, mind you, says, "Who is it?" Her door is cracked inward and her lock is busted up, and, after thirty-three minutes of smoke alarms alarming, bells ringing, and Firefighters beating the living shit out of her door, she is awake and aware. And, she asks, "Who is it?"

Wow.

The fire fighters, having already beaten her door to the point where only a crowbar will open it, ask her to step back. "I'll get it!" she insists. "You can't get it, it's broken," they reply.

1:53 the door swings open. The house is full of white smoke. The woman is nowhere to be seen, though presumably not dead. "Thank God for fire detectors," the fireman says, and then he ushers us off to our respective homes.

So now my hallway is full of smoke. Toxic white smoke (read: not weed, trust me). And I can't sleep.

And now you know why.

Georgia v. Kwik-E-Mart

2006-04-06T10:51:00.000-04:00

To all you Con Law and Crim fans out there (and you KNOW who you are...)

Hey, remember Yick Wo?

[For the unitiated (read: smart enough NOT to go to law school): Yick Wo was a case in California, wherein a facially neutral law regulating the laundry business was applied only against Chinese Americans and not members of other ethnic groups (whites, mostly). The law basically said that the owners of any wooden building housing a laundry facility must obtain a permit from a local agency before they could continue to launder. The agency more or less denied permits to EVERY Chinese American, despite the fact that the Fire Marshall had approved their buildings as safe for the purposes of their business, but then allowed every non-Chinese person, save one, to obtain a permit, no questions asked.]

So, Yick Wo was basically a squeeze out move, to help break Chinese dominance of the impressive and highly desirable mid-20th century laundry business.

Here's another case of interestingly applied law.

Now, we all know meth has been a problematic drug for many white populations (as Mr. Hughley put it, "I call it crack for crackers"). Accordingly, state reactions to meth have been far-reaching and pervasive law promulgations, including attempts at regulating the sale of "necessarily dangerous" items such as matches, charcoal, cold-medicine, and aluminum foil (all useful items for creating the drug; It is intersting to note that no one ever tried to crack down on the sale of baking soda).
In an attempt to "bust" various convenience stores in the state for selling items to makers of meth, law enforcement agents in Georgia walked into local stores and purchased the goods. The hitch? As the cashiers were ringing them up, the agents would casually say, "I need this stuff to finish up a cook." Sell the stuff after a comment like that, and you're a felon.

What the fuck?

Apparently they performed this sting operation on a number of local stores, but nearly ALL of the people they actually charged and arrested were Indian (South Asian Indian, jackass). Surpised? Why should you be?

"Of 629 convenience stores in the six-county area in the sting, 80 percent are owned or operated by whites, according to the A.C.L.U.'s court filing, but fewer than 1 percent of the stores in the sting are white-owned or operated. The filing said the clerk at the only white-operated store was known widely as a methamphetamine addict whose husband was in prison for making the drug."

They exploited a language barrier to arrest individuals who spoke limited English and then even tailored their stings to only hit up Indian owned stores. Granted, maybe Indian-owned stores sell to meth makers disproportionatley, but still, the numbers are conspicuous.

Apparently, though, not conspicuous enough for Georgia State courts. God Bless the ACLU (Ha!): I imagine they will press this one as far as they can, and it will be interesting to see how it turns out.

No Constitutional Right to Dance

2006-04-05T00:05:00.000-04:00

Judge Michael Stallman of the New York State Supreme Court ruled that NYC can continue to ban dancing in bars that do not have cabaret licenses. Although he cited the accompanying noise and general boisterousness complaints that attend dancing, he also commented, "Surely, the Big Apple is big enough to find a way to let people dance."

I'm reminded of another town. A town where dancing was banned, after tragedy had accompanied dancing years ago.

Even if this was not a law, which it is, I'm afraid I would have a lot of difficulty endorsing an enterprise which is as fraught with genuine peril as I believe this one to be. Besides the liquor and the drugs which always seem to accompany such an event the thing that distresses me even more, Ren, is the spiritual corruption that can be involved. These dances and this kind of music can be destructive, and, uh, Ren, I'm afraid you're going to find most of the people in our community are gonna agree with me on this.

But luckily for that town, there was a boy who moved to that small town. He didn't want to shake things up, but he also didn't want to fit in. He just wanted to dance. He talked to the City Council, and he talked to the local clergy, and he talked and he talked, and you know what happened in the end? He got through to them. And he danced. He cut loose. He kicked off his Sunday shoes. And he danced.

Save us, Kevin Bacon! Save us!

NYC Marathon

2006-04-04T13:47:00.000-04:00

So I've never been a big runner, even though I probably would have been good at running. Why does the Best Rapper Alive have an aversion to running?

Reason 1:

(So I played competitive tennis in college, until my shoulder burned out. The dialogue below is from my interaction with a trainer)

Trainer: Hey.
Sam: I am here for the tennis physical.
Trainer: Track?
Sam: No, I am on the varsity tennis team.
Trainer: track?
Sam: TENNIS

Reason 2:

Sports Doctor: So you are the new sprinter.
Sam: Not quite, I am on the tennis team
(The sports doctor looked at me puzzled and I scowled back at her.)

Reason 3:
Running is boring

Despite the many reasons for me not running, I've decided to train for the NYC marathon. I did a 100KM bike ride a few weeks ago and should be up to 100 miles by the end of the summer, but my quads are weak. What better way to strengthen the quads than by grinding them into a pulp.

Sweet...

2006-04-04T10:31:00.000-04:00

Hey, remember what I said in the last post about countries exerting pressure on countries that owe them money?
From the Reuters.com:

"We've reached a meeting of the minds and a common approach on the issue of repatriation of illegal migrants with China."[Chertoff speaking]

About 39,000 Chinese were illegally in the United States, many of them brought there by people-smugglers, Chertoff said.

Chinese Foreign Ministry spokesman Liu Jianchao said later that Beijing was "willing to accept illegal immigrants of Chinese nationality repatriated from other countries".

But he told a regular news conference in Beijing that China objected to Washington accepting Chinese applicants for political asylum, and suggested the issue may impede joint efforts.

[see the story here]

That's great. I especially like the line "willing to accept illegal immigrants of Chinese nationality repatriated from other countries" because it seems to suggest a sort of Chinese People collecting strategy. Maybe they need more corpses for their art displays.
Nevermind China's abusive human rights record, especially on political dissidents, if you want safe harbour, kids, you better look elsewhere. I know, I know, it's against the whole "liberty" thing, but we really, really need those cheap electronics and that hand-made (by children) office furniture.

This Just In: Chavez Trying to get Himself Killed

2006-04-04T09:34:00.000-04:00

Nobody fucks with the IMF. I mean, if money makes the world go 'round, well...shit...IMF is in charge then, aren't they?

Look, the rich governments and corporations who make up the IMF have an interest in providing financing to dirt-poor countries--it makes them easier to manipulate and exploit. Just pretend that the IMF is Chase Manhattan and the poor countries are working class poor people: The countries pay their $50, get a "secured" line of credit (at, *cough* 35.99% interest), buy some "infrastrcuture," and then spend the next 200 years paying it off.

Times were, other countries (*cough* U.S.) could use this massive debt as leverage (wait, how much do we owe China right now? Thanks, Bush), say, to help "ease" the way for an oil conglomerate or help supply cheap crappy furniture for Pier One.

Now Chavez, having discovered the power and wealth that comes with a secure oil supply, is spending billions of dollars at home and abroad to combat things like poverty and Bushisms.

He's lucky it's not 1973, or he'd be dead already. "Where's Chavez?" "Oh, his plane mysteriously blew up over the Carribean." "Wow, I'm shocked, shocked."

He's supplied for heating oil through North and South American (including places as close as the Bronx) and even helped Argentina pay off its nearly $10 billion debt to the IMF.
Oops. Don't fuck with the IMF, Chavez, they got plans for you and your "continent," and if you try to set up some sort of populist regime, they are gonna take you down.

Sure, they never killed Castro, but Castro never HAD ANY MONEY. This guy is loaded (his country is, at least) and that presents a different challenge to an organization propped up by its massive spending power.

So take heed, Hugo, and remember what has happened to every South American and Latin American Leader who tried to shuck the "Monroe Doctrine."

West End at an End

2006-04-02T15:20:00.000-04:00

Word on the street is that Columbia's most beloved (well, oldest, anyway) local drinking hole (Most Important Word: "hole") is shutting down for good.

More than the spot where the spot where this author first downed three Irish Car Bombs in a row, Jack Kerouac described his time at Columbia thusly:

The soft city evenings, the cries of "Rimbaud!", "New Vision!", the great Gotterdamerun, the love song "You Always Hurt the One You Love," the smell of beers and smoke in the West End Bar, the evenings we spent on the grass by the Hudson River on Riverside Drive at 116th St. watching the rose west, watching the freighters slide by."

Indeed, Lucien Carr once had to roll Kerouac home from the West End in a barrel, and most of the characters in his novel, The Town and the City, were based on regulars at the bar.

The West End has been shut down several times in the past years for serving beer to minors (the police were shocked, shocked to discover...). It's unclear if the bar shutting is related to an incident last week, where the bar kicked everyone out at 3:00 AM, because they were too "boisterous," and they wound up getting into fights on the street and bashing in a neighboring shoe store.

The West End is expected to converted into a Havana Central, a chain of Cuban restaurants. Boo Cubans!

Hang Over Potion

2006-04-01T16:02:00.000-05:00

1) 1 Part 165 pound male with no excess body fat.
2) Have the aforementioned male not drink for 3 months
3) Go to a really bad comedy club.
4) Drink a lot of vodka, to make the comedy club not bad.
5) Go to bar with generous friends.
7) Drink more vodka.

Four Tylenol later, my head is still killing me.....

Nigerian Scammer vs. American Asshole with Lots of Free Time

2006-03-29T22:30:00.000-05:00

Dear, sweet lord.

Have any of you ever gotten one of those Nigerian scam emails? You know, the ones that ask you to give your bank account info so that they can put $10 Million in your account temporarily (but still letting you have a healthy cut for your trouble) for some unexplained reason?

Well, this bastard apparently decided that it was an opportunity to have some fun:
Check this out.

It's an epic tale, of which, had it been in some sort of rhyming scheme, Homer could have been proud.

Let me just give you a sneak peak so as to tantalize (from his first reply email to the scam spam):

"I want to help you, but unfortunately I do not have a savings or checking account. Is it possible to have a check sent to me directly? I would then use this check to open a bank account (Key Bank has free checking for a limited time so please hurry). I am very excited about this opportunity. I have never been good with money so you can only imagine how happy I got when I read your email. My grin is ear to ear baby. I know you said this is confidential but I had to share it with my friend Brad Fairyman. He was a little skeptical but I told him "NO BRAD , I will not let you rain on my parade! " He thinks I should ask you for proof but I said "the proof's in the check. Yeah baby!" Between me and you Albert, Brad has always been a little jealous of me ever since my promotion. I'll tell you that story another time though."

They never should have given you money.....

2006-03-29T18:43:00.000-05:00

Ok so I used to be an IR person, but I've now decided to dedicate my life to more worthwhile things like B<PL or OPP. Anyways, apparently Charles Taylor tried to escape from Nigeria in a jeep with diplomatic plates and a trunk filled with lots of cash. I am no genius, but maybe just maybe he should not have fled in a jeep with diplomatic plates...

Things to Watch Out For in England

2006-03-29T15:19:00.000-05:00

First, the Letter "U." It's just friggin' everywhere.

Second, Rhetorical Questions. Honestly, no country uses these more than England. "Well, this dinner's quite good, isn't it?" "Well the word 'labour' has a 'u' in it, doesn't it?" Like the Canadian, "eh?" but more time consuming.

Third, Food. Just watch out for food. Be very careful in picking out what you are eating. Look at it carefully. Make sure that it doesn't smell to Mad Cow-y or Salmonella-esque.

Fourth, Your Left Side. Whle driving on the left might make you think that your primary concentration should be on what's going on on your right side, with oncoming cars, but don't forget about your left side. People are driving there, too.

Fifth, Rain. Not much you can do about rain in England. A typical weather forecast: "Well, you should expect rain, drizzle or sprinkles to start at any moument, shouldn't you?"

Sixth, Turnabouts. I for one love turnabouts. They're just a lot of fun. And in four days in England, I only had to go all the way around the turnabouts three times because I must my turn-off. Chevy Chase disliked turnabouts in the film "European Vacation."

Seventh, Words that Mean Nothing to You. If you get driving directions that tell you to take the "Little Slip Road," make sure you ask what a "Little Slip Road" looks like. Just so you know, it looks like an utterly unlabeled exit obstructed by dense shrubbery. While on a drive, one person described a village as "Cotswoldy." That is the correct spelling of that word.

Eighth, the Scotch. Not the whiskey, but the actual people from Scotland. Here's one interaction I overheard.

Puerto Rican Mother of the Bride: So what do you call that thing you're wearing?
Scottish Relative of Groom: A kilt?
Mother: A kilt?
Scotch: Yes, a kilt.
Mother: Not a skirt?
Scotch: No.
Mother: Because it looks like a skirt.
Scotch: Would you like to drink that beer, or wear it?

Ninth, Mini-Coopers. You will see these speeding down the highways at ridiculous speeds, trying to believe that they are motorcycles because they're so small. Torts Professor Mark Geistfeld says:

They should take them off the market, no matter how cool they look, because they're just unsafe.

Tenth, British or Gay? It's very difficult to tell whether someone is gay in Britain, or just British. This is particularly troublesome, because British accents are hot. Luckily, they're quite good humoured, and readily confess that, yes, they're all a little bit gay.

Why Law School? Shit! Why not?

2006-03-29T12:32:00.000-05:00

First off, to all you fans (Read: Genevieve) who have been disappointed by the lack of entries, I apologize. This is supposed to be sort of a co-op post what you want when you want type of thing, but I must admit a responsibility to our readership to post consistently.
As for my own silence over the last few days, I will attribute it to two things:
1) The loss of the world's oldest animal (hey, it's a hard story to follow); and
2) Law school

Bleh. Law school.

I remember that on admitted students day, people were pretty inquisitive and gung ho about the whole project: "Why did you go to law school?" we'd all ask each other.
Part of the reason we were so positive about the whole thing is that school hadn't started, so we all felt like this:

I was thinking about using this blog to ask, "Why did you go to law school?" But then it occurred to me I no longer cared. Why?

Because, now, I feel like this:

(this picture of me was taken last week, btw).

So, why do I feel this way? Well, I am still technically glad that I went to law school, but I don't think I could actually qualify myself as happy. At least not as happy as that freakin' kid in the first picture (Jesus, that kid's happy).

So, as a warning to others, I now pose the question:
"Why shouldn't you go to law school?"

Any ideas, kids?

sad news

2006-03-25T09:57:00.000-05:00

World's oldest animal dies. :(

ABC News: Long Live Addwaita: Tortoise Dies at 250

And I was sitting in a study room until 10:30 last night working on ICWA, and now I am back in selfsame study room working on ICWA. :(

And W says the war in Iraq will go on for many more presidents to come. :(

Lots to hate on today.

Bush Sucks #5

2006-03-24T23:32:00.000-05:00

Apparently the US Debt ceiling has been raised to 9 trillion. That's a lot of NYU trained corp. lawyers....... Lets just assume that the theories on private sector crowding out are true and lets leave out things like annualized cash-flow accounting v. economic accrua and lotl.... Reason #5, Bush Deficits+crowding out of private sector investment =Less economic growth. "There are some economic risks associated with a high level of government borrowing:

If the economy has only a small supply of savings, increased government borrowing may force up interest rates and crowd out private sector investment
Higher borrowing in the long-run requires an increase in the tax burden - this may dampen demand and economic growth

Our bumbling Texan President is stifling economic growth. In short, you can't cut taxes and increase spending. Loyal readers of this blog know the Sam Roe theory of political economy, tax rich people. I repeat, tax rich people. They will not miss it. Next in the series Bush and Democracy: Why Uzbekistan and Pakistan are what's hot on the street....

Admin Poll/Bush Sucks

2006-03-24T23:12:00.000-05:00

Was it just me, or was I mistaken for Mr. Fernandez during today's admin class?

My apologies to all. I've been a bad liberal. I've spent too much time on this blog bashing fancy schools and not enough time bashing bush. So I've decided to do a little policy primer on why Bush sucks. This series will run through the rest of the semester.

I.C.W.A.

2006-03-24T17:31:00.000-05:00

Indian Child Welfare Act
Incidentally, Craig went awry.
Indefatigable cheaters win awesomely.
Indigo Chicks was angsty.
Ivory chessboard willed away.
Introductions capped with anonymity.
Irradiated chipmunks wander aimlessly.
Isn't China wholly anesthetized?
Irrespectively, Chuck walked angrily.
Italians cook wonderful appetizers.

I can't work anymore.

23 hours, 17 minutes, 28 seconds left.

I Got Your Oral Argument Right Here, Pal

2006-03-23T17:06:00.000-05:00

We went to court today to see oral arguments.
Some of you left early. Some of you left when Maya left (actually, most of you left when Maya left). Of the six people that were still around, only two of us, myself, and Air Force Captain Jarrod Stuard stayed for the whole thing (which stretched out to only about 3:40).

For shame, kids, you missed out.

The second to last case was about as law school as you can get--you had two young public interest lawyers, an assistant D.A. versus a public defender, carrying on a conversation straight out of our crim class last semseter (for those of you fortunate enough to have participated, think of a standard Jacobs lecture sans his winning personality). It was the only straightforward, well argued (well, by the assitant D.A. at least) case on the docket.

But it was the final case of the afternoon that was the most enlightening.

Defendant's Lawyer: "If it would please the court, I would like to summarize the facts for the benefit of the members of the audience."
The Five Judge Panel: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! No."
Jarrod and I started laughing, too, as he and I were the only "members of the audience" remaining.
One Judge (still laughing): "You can explain the facts to them afterwards." The lawyer, an impish, sickly looking man, who either could not afford or had failed to notice the value of teeth and hence, had few, looked at us and grinned in what I could only fear was anticipation.
I stopped laughing.

From there on, the man continued to rile and entertain us. Granted, he argued, the police had the right to enquire what the man and woman were doing after he noticed the two struggling and shouting and saw blood on the man's shirt and arms, and granted, he argued, the police had the right to observe and follow after the man yelled at the woman to get in the car and the two attempted to escape without answering the officer, but, he argued, the moment they sounded their sirens, they violated his client's 4th amendment rights. It was great. The attorney for the State did a fantastic job of not laughing. The judges, already on there last case of the day, did not feel the need to control themselves.

After the case was over, the man walked up and handed me his oral argument notes, saying, "It was the only case on the calendar today with any political appeal."

The notes, spanning several pages and bound with a single ill-placed staple centered at the top of page, begin with a single bold-face title in 24 or 36 point font that reads:

FREE ERIC
BREWER NOW!!

The first paragraph reads (errors included): "Let me tell you a story that's as American as applie pie. It's all about Eric Brewer who until September 2, 2002 was gainfully employed as a construction worker building skyscrapers that touched the sky."

MY GOD, that's good lawyering.

Tuft? TUFT!?

2006-03-21T12:41:00.000-05:00

First of all, I don't think any of us realized that there was a Little Ivy League. Did any of you know this?
It's rather incredible, but apparently it's possible true. Anyways, Tufts is on there, and it's neither
little nor Ivy. This is a Tuft:

Actually, that could be several Tufts (it looks like at least two), but, regardless, it looks more like grass than Ivy to me.

Secondly, and relatedly, I don't think most of us even KNEW that there was a Smurfs Video Game let alone that it would be so horrifying. Please visit this site for an AMAZING recount of the experience. (As an interesting side note, make sure to be on the look out for the tuft which appears partway down).

Here's an excerpt:

Smurf Rescue takes place in the Land of the Smurfs. Or, Land of the Smurf, anyway, as there seems to be only one in this game, with the exception of the sassy Smurfette, who has been captured by the awful Gargamel and now languishes in his dark castle. Are you Smurfy enough to save her?

Well, it's not going to be easy. The designers of this hot new game had the foresight to make it challenging by denying the Smurf any sort of offensive attack... go ahead, hit those two buttons as much as you like. They do nothing. It's a gutsy move, sure... but those ColecoVision wizards are thinking outside the box. The only thing they allow your Smurf to do is jump. I just hope, for Smurfette's sake, that it's enough.

2006-03-21T10:30:00.000-05:00

New York City's two largest non-profit hedge funds both recieved $200 million dollar gifts. My hedge fund will use its money for a classics departments or something like that. What are classics? Are John Wayne flicks classics? What about Debbie Does Dallas? What about Shaft ficks? What about the last Torts lecture? Have you heard an opening statement by Sam Roe? Anything by Sam Roe is a classic.
------------------------------------- From the NYTimes:

New York University and Columbia have each received donations of about $200 million, among the largest to academic institutions in recent years. The gifts, from different donors, come as both universities try to compete with rivals that have far larger endowments.

N.Y.U. and Columbia are longtime rivals, as Mayor Bloomberg observed at Columbia yesterday, but both universities must compete with other elite universities with much more money. Columbia's endowment is about $5.2 billion and N.Y.U., which is in the fifth year of a seven-year capital campaign to raise $2.5 billion, has about $1.6 billion, according to The Chronicle of Higher Education. In contrast, Harvard has more than $25 billion and Yale, $15 billion.

Caption Contest

2006-03-20T19:09:00.000-05:00

Note: by logging on this web page, you relieve the administrators from any liability due to seizures or other medical conditions arising from looking at this post.

Note from the Craigministrator: Dimitri, you are a horrible person. Also, I think there is a basic assumption of risk for anyone who visits our blog. Let the timid stay at google.com.

Starbucks

2006-03-20T12:25:00.000-05:00

Today’s weird interaction at Starbucks. I politely smiled throughut this whole traumatic event.

Random person with lots of makeup and multiple layers of clothes on: Hey Singer.
Sam: Hello.
Random: Are you a rapper?
Sam: No, sorry.
Random: are you a singer?
Sam: Sorry.
Random: You look just like my friend Senegal. I thought you were him.
Sam: Sorry, I have that type of face. I get that all the time.
Random: You’ve never been to LA, I swear I know you. You have to be a rapper. You’ve never been to xyz club?
Sam: Sorry.
Random: You are a west village kid? Not the type to venture over into the east village?
Sam: quite true (Mind you I have on an Ipod, laptop, the outfit from my favorite gap mannequin and Harvard fleece. I am pretty sure that isn’t the East Village look).
Random: OK, I am leaving.
Sam: Take care.

The woman then runs back into starbucks and says the streetsweeper is after her!

Random: Do you dance?
Sam: No.
Random: You are supposed to know how to dance.
Sam. Sorry.
Random person: Ok the street sweeper is gone.
Sam: Take care and be careful.

This encounter was better than last week when the NYU security guards in the starbucks kept giving me hard looks. That was my fault though, I was walking around in sweatpants and black fleece.

UPDATE: I hope Sam does not mind my adding a picture of a streetsweeper for your edification - the Diministrator.